I had an epiphany.
I was having lunch yesterday with my chubby and spanking new boyfriend when it came to me. You know those moments when everything just becomes clear and makes absolute sense. It wasn't what he said that led to the epiphany, but my plate of food. Go figure.
The waiter brought in a plate of steak, shrimps, chips and chicken and I stared at my plate wondering how on earth I was going to finish this mountain before me.
As I looked longer at the plate the more differently I felt about the meal and the items on the plate. I felt my life and decisions of 2012 staring back at me. 2012 has been a year of mixed 'blessings'. At the point of experiencing these blessings, I thought my life was over, I felt that I had lost everything and the end was near. But I realised that you have to push past the voices that tell you to give up even without trying. I had ordered the meal based on the glowing recommendation of my boyfriend and here it was right in front of me and I didn't want it.
Many times in life we go after stuff, people or jobs we envy from afar or have heard so much about that we are hell bent on getting them. We fail to do due diligence beforehand and ask ourselves the one important question, 'Do I really want this?' 'When I get this, will I still want it?'
I am not a huge fan of shrimps, prawns I can live with. I can't stand them because of their bulging black eyes that stare at me intently and make me feel guilty for eating them. They represent all the things I felt guilty about and wasn't comfortable doing but did anyway just because I wanted to save face and be cool. I did eat the shrimps to save face but cut off the head before eating - my way of assaging my guilt you can say.
The chips were spot on but you wouldn't call it value for money. They weren't exactly crunchy or crispy but they were manageable. There were times in 2012 I should've said, NO, put a lid on the trash I was handed; but I never said NO More and ended up eating and taking a lot of crap, all for the reason that I was being nice and avoiding confrontation. I ate the chips eventhough the menu said crispy chips.
The steak was tasty but a battle to get through. Phew did I struggle. When I first looked at it, I was tempted to not even bother but I am sooooo happy I tried. It sure was tasty and I enjoyed every bite. Were I not in public and forming fine girl, I would have attacked the bones. Lol. There were things this year I almost didn't attempt because of fear of the unknown. If it looks scary and difficult then it probably is, at least that's what I always thought. This year I went through a door I was always too afraid to cross but I found out it wasn't as bad as I feared. Once I got through the initial inconvenience of the change, life went on as usual.
Oh the chicken was heavenly. There is some joy in the taste of the familiar. Chicken, chicken crispy well spiced chicken. Lovely. In some ways my life was somewhat predictable in 2012, I revel in the familiar, the comfortable, the predictable. Yes I get yabbed alot about it but I don't much care for the side comments and yabs. The familiar is good, at least I'm known for something.
As I rounded up the meal, overfed and gasping for breath from forcing the food down, it hit me. Life is a jumble of random events that often never make any sense at the start. There were many things I was so sure of at the beginning of 2012, hopes and dreams I thought would become my reality, things I held on so steadfastly but which somehow failed at the last lap. The truth is, life seldom turns out like we would all like it to. It just might appear like my heaped plate of shrimps, steak, chips and chicken which on first sight might appear like a culinary mess but upon sampling each item, prove to be more than we had hoped.
I won't say 2012 was a blast or a spectacular year, but all in all, it was a year for growth, for new experiences, for seeing and appreciating the world, for embracing and valuing the power and bond of family and for new beginnings.
Adieu 2012 and all my unfulfilled dreams, crushed hopes and heartbreaks; you will not be missed.
With open arms I embrace a new year and look ahead to 2013 with a peace and acceptance of what is to come; and for the first time in a long time, I feel no fear for the unknown.
