The Abyss

You know you’re upset when an overwhelming sadness envelops you, a huge knot forms in your chest making it difficult to breath with ease and you just want to snap at any and everyone from the least provocation.

At least that’s how a feel.

For me, there’s no greater feeling of loathing and joy all wrapped into one than at the moment when you give into the feelings of stewing anger. It’s a bitter sweet feeling that as much as I dread those moments have come to subtly welcome.

It is at those moments I am allowed to be mean and nasty; and all this can be hidden under the disguise of anger. I realize that people tend to make excuses for your behavior when you’re angry. They stay out of your way and sometimes the unpleasant ones become nice. I have come to love those moments when I can get away with anything.

My guilty pleasure at these unfortunate moments is to wallow within the soft caresses of comfort food – ice cream, chips, cake, soft drinks, chocolate, cookies – you name it. Any and every junk food forbidden to me on a normal day just seems to materialize and offer me some semblance of joy, however short lived.

I have long since mastered emotional eating - the act of stuffing your feelings down with food; I eat feel guilty and then punish my body and mind – my body is tormented by an exercise instructor for over 1 hour afterwards and my mind is tortured with accusation and reproach afterwards. Why then do I keep doing this to myself you might wonder. Why give into the forceful gripping hands of anger and self pity?

Why the hell not?

Because I’m human. Because unlike, you I have failed to master my emotions. Because, I am tired and I need to cut myself a break sometimes. Because maybe I just want to indulge in the excesses of junk food that I don’t normally allow myself. Because I am a troubled soul and can only understand the abyss that is self pity.

Just because …

Feed Me Jor

I love food.
Always have and always will.

Every time I come across a well cooked meal I just want to stop and have myself a taste. I won’t call myself a food connoisseur but I can appreciate a well prepared meal. My mother used to say that growing up I never joked around when it concerned food. Being around the kitchen was never a forced chore as I enjoyed spending long hours in the kitchen. The smells still are comforting and I sometimes feel the hairs on my hand stand up straight when I’m around good food.

Just a week ago I had the great fortune to sample a range of soups over the space of a week from visiting some of my senior aunties and brought great joy to the soul of my belle and nose. The rich aroma from the rich egusi soup tantalized my senses and tastes buds so much that I was full just from standing close the pot. I was mesmerized by the dance of total abandon performed by the stock fish, kpomo and beef in the pot. They beckoned to me and it was all I could do to resist the urge to reach into the pot and retrieve a dancer.

Egusi soup with freshly pounded yam (hot), the combo melted easily in my mouth. This was food heaven.

My next experience was with the Calabar soup edikakong. Vegetable soups are my absolute favorite cos it supports my weight loss attempt (that is another story). For those not familiar with this soup, it is a combination of ugwu and water leaves. Striking the right blend and balance is always the tricky part. Not many people are blessed with the gift of preparing this delicacy though. I have tried some concussions that were labeled edikakong and they were totally appalling and inedible. I recall the one that looked like a pot of weed swimming in colored water (Yuk).

I tried the edikakong made in Cassia restaurant in Lagos and boy was I blown away. For a lack of a better description, it was like an orgasm in the mouth. I never knew food could taste and make you feel that good. It had a rich heady taste that spoke to every taste bud in my mouth. Wow. When I looked up from my plate, my colleagues were staring as I had abandoned my fine girl act and was using my hands and licking my fingers (See public falling of hand).

Don’t get me started on their plantain porridge which I went back to try after seeing it ordered by a friend - OMG. Ripe plantain, tiny pieces of fish infused into vegetable (ugwu). I kept asking which was the main meal, was it the plantain, the fish or the vegetable cos everything blended into one amazing meal.

I am told that my continuous love for food, especially those made with palm oil and starch, is working against my present attempt to lose weight but hey, nothing can separate me from my love of food. Until they find a slim fast made of garri, yam, fish, kpomo, palm oil, beef and periwinkle I will stick to my naija meal and find an alternative to losing the weight.

My Life In 2012

I had an epiphany.  

I was having lunch yesterday with my chubby and spanking new boyfriend when it came to me. You know those moments when everything just becomes clear and makes absolute sense. It wasn't what he said that led to the epiphany, but my plate of food. Go figure.  

The waiter brought in a plate of steak, shrimps,  chips and chicken and I stared at my plate wondering how on earth I was going to finish this mountain before me.  

As I looked longer at the plate the more differently I felt about the meal and the items on the plate. I felt my life and decisions of 2012 staring back at me. 2012 has been a year of mixed 'blessings'. At the point of experiencing these blessings, I thought my life was over, I felt that I had lost everything and the end was near. But I realised that you have to push past the voices that tell you to give up even without trying. I had ordered the meal based on the glowing recommendation of my boyfriend and here it was right in front of me and I didn't want it.  

Many times in life we go after stuff, people or jobs we envy from afar or have heard so much about that we are hell bent on getting them. We fail to do due diligence beforehand and ask ourselves the one important question, 'Do I really want this?' 'When I get this, will I still want it?'  

I am not a huge fan of shrimps, prawns I can live with. I can't stand them  because of their bulging black eyes that stare at me intently and make me feel guilty for eating them. They represent all the things I felt guilty about and wasn't comfortable doing but did anyway just because I wanted to save face and be cool. I did eat the shrimps to save face but cut off the head before eating - my way of assaging my guilt you can say.  

The  chips were spot on but you wouldn't call it value for money. They weren't exactly crunchy or crispy but they were manageable. There were times in 2012 I should've said, NO, put a lid on the trash I was handed; but I never said NO More and ended up eating and taking a lot of crap, all for the reason that I was being nice and avoiding confrontation. I ate the chips eventhough the menu said crispy chips.  

The steak was tasty but a battle to get through. Phew did I struggle. When I first looked at it, I was tempted to not even bother but I am sooooo happy I tried. It sure was tasty and I enjoyed every bite. Were I not in public and forming fine girl, I would have attacked the bones. Lol. There were things this year I almost didn't attempt because of fear of the unknown. If it looks scary and difficult then it probably is, at least that's what I always thought. This year I went through a door I was always too afraid to cross but I found out it wasn't as bad as I feared. Once I got through the initial inconvenience of the change, life went on as usual.  

Oh the chicken was heavenly. There is some joy in the taste of the familiar. Chicken, chicken crispy well spiced chicken. Lovely. In some ways my life was somewhat predictable in 2012, I revel in the familiar, the comfortable, the predictable. Yes I get yabbed alot about it but I don't much care for the side comments and yabs. The familiar is good, at least I'm known for something.  

As I rounded up the meal, overfed and gasping for breath from forcing the food down, it hit me. Life is a jumble of random events that often never make any sense at the start. There were many things I was so sure of at the beginning of 2012, hopes and dreams I thought would become my reality, things I held on so steadfastly but which somehow failed at the last lap. The truth is, life seldom turns out like we would all like it to. It just might appear like my heaped plate of shrimps, steak, chips and chicken which on first sight might appear like a culinary mess but upon sampling each item, prove to be more than we had hoped.  

I won't say 2012 was a blast or a spectacular year, but all in all, it was a year for growth, for new experiences, for seeing and appreciating the world, for embracing and valuing the power and bond of family and for new beginnings.  

Adieu 2012 and all my unfulfilled dreams, crushed hopes and heartbreaks; you will not be missed.

With open arms I embrace a new year and look ahead to 2013 with a peace and acceptance of what is to come; and for the first time in a long time, I feel no fear for the unknown.

My Mind Is Connected To My Mouth

I read this article today and realized I was a victim of some of the 6 thoughts that derail the mind. No wonder I am often always anxious. You can view the article here

http://www.youbeauty.com/mind/negative-thoughts?utm_source=outbrain&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=OutBrain%2BCPC&utm_term=Six-Thoughts-That-Can-Derail-Your-Mood

Key points though are:

Focus on the negative will make you gloss over the good. It’s easy to remember the bad, gloom and doom.
Making mountains out of molehills will always leave you in a bind. Blowing things out of proportion (also known as “catastrophizing”) can really get you down.
The world is not black and white, there are a lot of greys (my boyfriend says this a lot). Quit boxing yourself into a corner; there are never just 2 extreme opposing solutions to a problem, there’s always a grey alternative – think.
Control freak/micro-manager, let go of the controls just a little. This is a trust issue, I know, but it has to be done.
The battle between what you should do and what you want to do. Please yourself ever so often, you will be the happier for it.
Always feel like you have something to prove? That’s an exhausting life my friend. Take it easy. You can’t always be right. Nobody likes a know-it-all cos last time we checked, you weren’t Google. Lol

This got me thinking about how often I find myself in bad moods just by letting something tiny get to me, by over analyzing, assuming or just being fixated on something or the other. When I get like that I reach for food.

Yes, I am an emotional eater. It’s a badge, an identity; try as I might, I haven’t been able to shake off.

- Upset, I eat
- Fatigued, I eat
- Stressed, I eat
- Emotionally worked up, I eat

I know I shouldn’t eat whatever I’m putting in my mouth at that moment but I just can’t help myself. What I know and what I do at those instances is always at variance with each other. It’s no wonder I’m chubby. But I digress.

Been doing some soul search and reading up on the whole problem of emotional eating and made some discoveries about triggers of this habit.

Stress often times brings about cravings, according to the article I read stress stimulates the ‘stress hormone’ known as cortisol. High levels of cortisol can create cravings for salty and sweet foods.

Anxiety also known as nervous energy is a trigger I am very familiar with. This plays out by way of nail biting, teeth grinding or just being orally fidgety. Truth be told, I do not possess ladylike nails anymore. I have attempted to grow them out a few times by even fixing my nails but ended up eating the artificial nail when I got into a nervous fit. Yeah, that bad.

When I feel bad I eat and for me it’s my way of stuffing the pain or hurt. So, each bite of whatever if pushing down the pain so I don’t have to deal with it. I focus on the junk food I’m eating savoring every bite. Being stuffed is the aim here; the more you eat, the better you feel and you have something else to divert your annoyance to and feel bad about – the excess calories you just consumed that you will now have to torture out of your system. Food has taken the focus off of anger, resentment, fear and or anxiety. It’s a coping mechanism.

Growing up, food was often used as a reward for good behavior or good grades. Sweets, cakes and generally junk food were always handy as treats. Till date I still reward myself with a treat for good behavior. Let’s say I hit a target weight, I reward myself with ice-cream and cake because I was disciplined with my deprivation strategy. Bad move I know, but there’s no fun in rewarding yourself with carrots or health food, the bad stuff is sometimes an excellent motivator.

When I’m in a bad mood or I swing moods, I reach for food, it is my source of stability at those points but the truth is that they are not as satisfying until you are stuffed and bursting at the seams.