My Life In 2012

I had an epiphany.  

I was having lunch yesterday with my chubby and spanking new boyfriend when it came to me. You know those moments when everything just becomes clear and makes absolute sense. It wasn't what he said that led to the epiphany, but my plate of food. Go figure.  

The waiter brought in a plate of steak, shrimps,  chips and chicken and I stared at my plate wondering how on earth I was going to finish this mountain before me.  

As I looked longer at the plate the more differently I felt about the meal and the items on the plate. I felt my life and decisions of 2012 staring back at me. 2012 has been a year of mixed 'blessings'. At the point of experiencing these blessings, I thought my life was over, I felt that I had lost everything and the end was near. But I realised that you have to push past the voices that tell you to give up even without trying. I had ordered the meal based on the glowing recommendation of my boyfriend and here it was right in front of me and I didn't want it.  

Many times in life we go after stuff, people or jobs we envy from afar or have heard so much about that we are hell bent on getting them. We fail to do due diligence beforehand and ask ourselves the one important question, 'Do I really want this?' 'When I get this, will I still want it?'  

I am not a huge fan of shrimps, prawns I can live with. I can't stand them  because of their bulging black eyes that stare at me intently and make me feel guilty for eating them. They represent all the things I felt guilty about and wasn't comfortable doing but did anyway just because I wanted to save face and be cool. I did eat the shrimps to save face but cut off the head before eating - my way of assaging my guilt you can say.  

The  chips were spot on but you wouldn't call it value for money. They weren't exactly crunchy or crispy but they were manageable. There were times in 2012 I should've said, NO, put a lid on the trash I was handed; but I never said NO More and ended up eating and taking a lot of crap, all for the reason that I was being nice and avoiding confrontation. I ate the chips eventhough the menu said crispy chips.  

The steak was tasty but a battle to get through. Phew did I struggle. When I first looked at it, I was tempted to not even bother but I am sooooo happy I tried. It sure was tasty and I enjoyed every bite. Were I not in public and forming fine girl, I would have attacked the bones. Lol. There were things this year I almost didn't attempt because of fear of the unknown. If it looks scary and difficult then it probably is, at least that's what I always thought. This year I went through a door I was always too afraid to cross but I found out it wasn't as bad as I feared. Once I got through the initial inconvenience of the change, life went on as usual.  

Oh the chicken was heavenly. There is some joy in the taste of the familiar. Chicken, chicken crispy well spiced chicken. Lovely. In some ways my life was somewhat predictable in 2012, I revel in the familiar, the comfortable, the predictable. Yes I get yabbed alot about it but I don't much care for the side comments and yabs. The familiar is good, at least I'm known for something.  

As I rounded up the meal, overfed and gasping for breath from forcing the food down, it hit me. Life is a jumble of random events that often never make any sense at the start. There were many things I was so sure of at the beginning of 2012, hopes and dreams I thought would become my reality, things I held on so steadfastly but which somehow failed at the last lap. The truth is, life seldom turns out like we would all like it to. It just might appear like my heaped plate of shrimps, steak, chips and chicken which on first sight might appear like a culinary mess but upon sampling each item, prove to be more than we had hoped.  

I won't say 2012 was a blast or a spectacular year, but all in all, it was a year for growth, for new experiences, for seeing and appreciating the world, for embracing and valuing the power and bond of family and for new beginnings.  

Adieu 2012 and all my unfulfilled dreams, crushed hopes and heartbreaks; you will not be missed.

With open arms I embrace a new year and look ahead to 2013 with a peace and acceptance of what is to come; and for the first time in a long time, I feel no fear for the unknown.

Taylor Swift - Begin Again

The Voice

Yes I can, No you can't.
Yes I will, No you won't.

The continuous inward battle that goes on in the mind of the living. The constant push and pull to try harder, maintain the current pace or just give up.

These voices don't go away. They remain our constant companions all through our lives but the intensity of the voices vary based on our choices. The voice that wins over time often amplifiers its volume that it sometimes drowns out its opposer.

Every decision and action brings us in contact with the voices inside our head. The voice that tell us we can become much more than we see in our present or the one that says, this is as good as it gets - give up or accept.

The voice of reason as people call it, is often the safer option. Its the voice of self preservation and is always averse to risk taking. Don't get me wrong, the voice of reason has its uses and can get us out of tricky situations but it shouldn't become our default option.

The road of life is not paved of gold, it has its bumps along the way with its occasional potholes and possible ditches. Short of investing in a flying carpet, we will encounter these bumps. The question is, how will we be handle these obstacles when they come? Confront them or balk and shy away. The internal voice with the most power will more often make the decisions - but will that be the right decision?

To win in life we need the winning voice. The voice that tells you everyday you are a champion, you can do the impossible and that you are an unstoppable force. Believing that voice is a long term project that starts today. You need to school that voice and practice listening to it. For in you lies a latent champ waiting to be unleashed.

School the voice
Believe the voice
Act accordingly.

Ciao.

WHO ARE YOU REALLY MAD AT

Sometimes people act in a certain way and you wonder and can’t help thinking ‘Like seriously!!!’

A lot of people walk around with a lot of latent aggression boiling just beneath the surface waiting for the slightest provocation. Suppressed annoyances and transferred aggression is often the order of the day. Truth is, most of us do not realize we are acting out and sometimes do not bother to trace the root cause of our annoyances. Should we give ourselves a minute to think, we will often find out that particular incidents do not match our responses and reactions at the moment we act out.

I read an article that described this scenario; A man was walking on the street with his nine year old son and six year old daughter. The boy looked up and spoke to his father and the father got really pissed (presumably at what the boy said) and started yelling at the boy. You could see the boy was physically affected by the words his father was saying. As soon as his father stopped yelling, the boy turned round and hit his sister.

Shocking right? Not entirely. That story is an example of how a number of us live our lives.
Upset with your boss, take it out on your subordinates.
Upset with your wife, yell at your kids.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s ok and healthy to vent but direct it to the right source.
Quit substituting and repressing your annoyance.
Quit instinctive responses. If you are the receiving end, pause and realize that you are a substitute. This realization often releases you from feeling upset.

It’s a vicious cycle of transferred aggression and the sooner we all took time to pause before reacting and ask ourselves, ‘Is person (A) a punching bag for person (B) who I’m truly upset with?’, we will curb this cycle of negative energy that can be detrimental in the long run.

Break the chain.

All Can Glitter With A Little Gold

Close your eyes.

It’s the night before your first trip overseas. You’ve excited about all the exciting things to see and you can’t seem to resist the urge to keep checking the internet for more information about the country.

What never occurs to you is that most of the information you will come across are deliberate media tactics by the government of those nations to launder their image.

On arrival, you begin to notice slight variations between what you discovered and the reality. Flashback to your research and you recall airbrushed pictures and words like ‘bluest skies’, ‘friendly population’, ‘clean air’ et al. Hmmm, reality bites.

A lot of countries ‘sell’ themselves by painting beautiful images with their choice of words and the use of a lot of photo-shopped images. In actual fact, those descriptors used in the selling technique, becomes the reality for millions of others all around the world who will never have the opportunity to experience the ‘reality’ of those countries.

In some instances though, the ‘sale’ is lost because there are often other sources of conflicting information to what the government or tourist board is marketing. Perceptions are formed via the convergence of various influences but it is intriguing to note that the brand image of a country is sometimes contradictory. That is to say; what you (the external observer) think about these countries, the communication they (the government/tourist Board) put out about themselves and what they (the citizens) as a country think about themselves is often at variance. The pertinent question we should ask ourselves is how these perceptions are formed if different from the intentional branding attempt made by the country.

One author states that ‘a ‘brand’ is a useful summation of the intangible competitive assets of an organization or a country: its vision, its genius, its distinctive character, its people, its promise to the marketplace’. An alignment of these factors under a clear and powerful strategy, productively and harmoniously executed, often brings about sustainable competitive advantage for the organization or country.

Nation or country branding is about using marketing tools and platforms to promote the image of the country. It is not about propaganda but a proactive and creatively conscious selling of the strong points of a country. Some nation branding experts are however of the opinion that nation brands are not necessarily built by conscious marketing techniques but over a period of time by perceptions developed through the media, culture, experiences and word of mouth. Reputation is built over years of consistent effort and activities.

Take for example the ‘American dream’ popularly sold by the United States this idea is rooted in their Declaration of independence “all men are created equal and that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights including Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” In simple terms, it is the land of the free; anyone can be successful in the USA and by characterization, her citizens are very patriotic. From childhood they are taught to have allegiance to the flag and they grow up believing they own the world and live in the best country in the world (my opinion). You can almost be certain that on the 3 legs of communication earlier mentioned (government, citizen and tourist); a unified perception will be formed.

Marketing communications is the vehicle upon which brands are sold; and these brands are marketed because they are designed to meet a need in the marketplace. Successful brands are known to meet certain needs in the market; this also applies to a country’s brand. If a country is not relevant or satisfying a need then no one would want to ‘buy’ into it. The pertinent question Nigeria as a nation should be asking is “How can I become indispensable. It’s not what you say but what you’re known for that speaks volumes. Reputation is built over years of consistent effort and activities.

Tourism is steadily becoming a common form of nation branding. You find a lot of ads these days extolling one country or the other as the best location to relax or vacation, with sunshine, cleanest ocean water and floor and an opportunity to swim with the dolphins. These are all lovely selling points but truth be told, with the advent of the internet and rise in usage of social media sites, access to individual opinion polls are easy to come by. These can either buttress or forever tarnish whatever media campaign the government might be putting out.

"Simply announcing one's existence will not attract tourism or investment; people need to be given motivating reasons for choosing to do business with a country… Small states in particular find themselves competing with one another for attention from audiences that are not always well-informed about them."

– Estonia Style produced by the Brand Estonia project, which successfully changed the country’s brand image.

Most countries try to brand or re-brand their countries as tourist destinations. Yes, this also works as a branding technique but if a nation scores low points on issues like good governance and security, this approach is likely to fail. Tourists, like the one described in my opening, tend to do a lot of information digging on the internet or from word of mouth experiences. I once didn’t honor a spa visit because a friend told me about her experience there. Word of mouth is a powerful marketing tool.

Attempting also to market the country via the PR route is also a bad idea and a total waste of money and advertising space should that country already be suffering at the hands of the international and local media, from bad publicity. Any government sponsored PR message will be seen for the sham that it is - a total falsehood.

Take the Boko Haram issue presently tormenting Nigeria, perceptions of insecurity just got included to the list of negative attributes associated with the country – corruption, governance issues, bunkering, 419 et al. Selling tourism or the use of PR will be seen as incredulous at this instance owing to some extent to the rise in usage of the social media sites. Reactions and comments gotten from these sites also tell tales about the true situation within the country as was the case with the Occupy Nigeria protests that took place early in the year. Credibility is key to Nation Branding.

In my opinion, everyone has a role to play in building the nation’s brand; the government taking more responsibility. The littlest of actions or comments from its citizens can sow seeds of suspicion and distrust amongst fellow nations. No country is all bad; each secretly manages its sore spots. It is however the place of government to play up the strengths of the country to its fellow nations while trying to tackle its numerous internal issues that border on economic, political, environmental and security related matters. Achieving a harmonized form of communication is a step in correcting already established perceptions. As the saying goes, Perception is Reality.

I’ll re-echo the words of His Excellency, the Governor of Rivers State, “Change Reality and Image Will Follow.”

Ciao

Bon Jovi - Thank You For Loving Me. Now this was a song.

Why People Change Jobs

‘People are our greatest asset’. This is perhaps the most popular cliché many companies use today when extolling their employee centric culture. However, very few companies show any real commitment when it comes to empowering their employees, leveraging their abilities or creating a conducive work environment / culture. The question is why?

In a survey done on organizations that embrace employee retention strategies, it was discovered that 10% – 20% of their time is spent on developing strategies but none actually set out guidelines or timetables of execution.

Employers often make the mistake of assuming that offering higher pay is guaranteed to keep their workforce willfully engaged and loyal. While pay might form part of the reasons for employee exits, research figures show the following as most occurring reasons why employees leave for competition.

My boss/supervisor/team leader is incompetent, difficult or unresponsive: Of all the workplace stressors, a bad boss is possibly the worst, directly impacting the emotional health and productivity of employees. A survey of over a million employees and 80,000 managers traced the highest employee exits to immediate managers. Employees will work out sometimes without alternative job offers to get away from a difficult boss.

It doesn't feel good around here: Some employees experience difficulty aligning with the company’s corporate culture. This translates sometimes into their opinions of physical conditions around the workplace - comfort, convenience, safety, and the clarity of mission.

They wouldn't miss me if I were gone: Recognition of ideas and individual contributions go a long way in boosting moral and keeping your workforce engaged. If they feel you regard them as expendable, they'll leave for a position where they're appreciated. If you value their contribution, say it often.

I don't get the support I need to get my job done: Frustration often sets in when employees are hindered in their job delivery by too many rules, sketchy communication, incompetent supervisors or co-workers.

There's no opportunity for advancement: Not just upward promotions are considered as advancement options. Opportunities to learn, to sharpen skills and pick-up new one for is a key consideration. In cases like this lateral movement holds more appeal than upward movement.

I don’t get along with the people I work with: This often plays a major role in employee defection. The work environment might be favorable but shaky relationships between co-workers can make coming to work a herculean act.

I am stressed from overwork and Work/Life imbalance: Employees often consistently work late, work through lunch, work through sickness and take work home. A toxic work environment which makes employees choose between a career and a life is the breeding ground for disgruntled workers and eventual mass exit of good hands.

Compensation: Workers want fair compensation for work done but it’s often observed that when most of the above listed criteria are left unaddressed higher wages are not strong enough to keep employees.

Companies Who Got It Right

The Marriot, a worldwide operator and franchisor of a broad portfolio of hotels, Southwest airlines, the coffee franchise Starbucks and Google have at the heart of their operation the employee centric approach.

Marriot and Southwest hire based on attitude and not skill because in the service industry, your employees are your brand ambassadors who should embody the spirit of the company rather than its functions.

Starbucks offers healthcare and retirement benefits to its part-time workers. Their employee turnover rate has summarily reduced yearly, which is a rare feat in that industry.

The internet giant, Google, on the other hand believes that employee’s satisfaction goes beyond providing health care and vacation time. They offer free meals, shuttle buses, in-house doctors, 24-hour gym, massage service, and dry cleaning to its more than 12,000 employees. In 2008, Fortune Magazine listed them as the best company to work.

Take Learning

Reasons listed above are by no means conclusive as to why people leave companies, individuals have various qualities they look out for when seeking employment. Employers can however reduce employee turnover by

- Creating a conducive, non-hostile and stable working environment
- Establishing clear expectations from employees
- Hiring personnel who share their values
- Appropriately aligning matching job roles and projects to employee strengths and interests
- Focus on making your managers, supervisors and/or team leaders better

There are no guarantees when dealing with people but by adopting and implementing an employee centric model employee engagement will be on the high. However, there will still be employees who feel they can better themselves just by chasing more income.

Jack Welch of GE once said “Any company trying to compete must figure out a way to engage the mind of every employee.” Much of a company’s value lies “between the ears of its employees” and it is to the greater good for companies to do all they can to keep impacted knowledge within the family.

I’ll rephrase the old service mantra that says ‘The Customer is King’ but in today’s modern world, ‘The Employee is King’.

ATTENTION 101

We had a retreat a long while back tagged 'Ignite The Passion'. It featured presentations from the bestselling book The Starbucks Experience. A lot was said throughout the 3 day retreat but of all the things I learnt two words will stick with me and always ring true within me – EVERYTHING MATTERS.


As individuals we often take for granted the little things in life and cover our inconsistencies with “it doesn’t matter” or “no one will notice”. The truth is everything DOES matter and it’s our inconsistencies in the little things that cumulate to being a BIG THING.

Everything matters, be it in our interactions - both verbal and non-verbal-, execution of our respective duties or in whatever we find ourselves doing. If time can be taken each day to reevaluate what we did for that day, – see the little mistakes that could have or might already have killed our reputations, - we would be more attentive to details.

Attention to detail is crucial / key. It does not happen by default but by design. What do I mean? Only this, being attentive is not a gift and it does not just happen but it comes by painstaking effort. It is a continuous journey in becoming better people oriented and expert service delivery professionals. A little attention never hurt anyone. So why do we find it hard to spare an extra glance or a little pause before we take action? I know I sometimes fall victim to the spirit of 'everything instant' and the pull of speed but we need to allow ourselves that extra second or minute to do a double check and caution ourselves cos Everything Does Matter.

I will end with this quote and hope that I have succeeded in communicating the message behind … EVERYTHING MATTERS.

“Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of intelligent effort.
John Ruskin”

Adious, Sayanara, Au Revoir

I hate goodbyes.

They always leave you with an empty feeling on your insides. at that instant your mind flashes back to all saved memories you have shared with that person - its the equivalent of your life flashing before your eyes. The good, the bad and the ugly all rolled up into one moment.

Its a bitter sweet feeling because as much as you will miss that person it is all for the good that they have to live - a damned if you do damned if you don't moment. There's a certain sadness attributed to some goodbyes cos in most cases you have that strong sense that this will be the last time you will see, be close, be familiar with this person. Its a sinking feeling that all you have are memories, that with time will fade or be eroded by this play called LIFE.

I hate goodbyes.

They say 20 friends cannot play together for 20 years; that may be true but when the play ends all 20 of them wish the games could have continued. When the numbers become 2 left on the playing field, the absence of the lost 18 become obvious. You may be saying to yourself, change the game or the field but the truth is memories were created on that field and within that game, its easier said than done.

We all meet to part and part to meet again someday, my prayer is that when we do meet again that it be for the better, that the memories remain and should we part once more sometime in the future, that it still leaves us with a bitter sweet feeling cos then we will know that we have really made an impact on the others' life.

Goodbyes suck but I say it anyway, Goodbye and Goodluck.

Dance And Drop It Like Its HOOOOT

Dance is a type of art that generally involves movement of the body, usually rhythmic and to music.

From the definition, it’s easy to assume that this ‘art’ requires minimal movements and it’s just pure fun. Wrong!!! For the professionals maybe, but it’s a bitter sweet feeling I’m assuming. It’s not pure uninhabited fun but there is some pleasure in the pain.

I have however developed a new found respect for dancers, boy do they have a lot of energy and have high thresholds for pain. When I watch music videos, ballets or Broadway musicals, I often salute the performances, critic whatever flaw I see and move on. Quite recently, I have had the opportunity to participate in some dance aerobics and I assure you it’s not walk in the park.

When I first heard about Shaun T’s Rockin’ Body and Hip Hop Abs, I rolled my eyes and said “Here we go again. Another one”. How in God’s name will dancing solve the problem? I have always believed in the use of the gym or serious minded aerobics and kick boxing routines; that’s where the real workout happens. But boy was I breathless, sweating from head to toe and experiencing pains in parts of my body I didn’t know could feel pain.

The moves stretch you and you have a live audience cheering you on – talk about motivation. I honestly doubted my dancing capabilities till I tried it out. I drop it like its hot everyday disco and hip hop style. Who said losing weight couldn’t be fun. LOL.

Kudos to our dancers out there – professional or otherwise – you guys do put in a lot of work and the finished product is always fantastic.

My Mind Is Connected To My Mouth

I read this article today and realized I was a victim of some of the 6 thoughts that derail the mind. No wonder I am often always anxious. You can view the article here

http://www.youbeauty.com/mind/negative-thoughts?utm_source=outbrain&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=OutBrain%2BCPC&utm_term=Six-Thoughts-That-Can-Derail-Your-Mood

Key points though are:

Focus on the negative will make you gloss over the good. It’s easy to remember the bad, gloom and doom.
Making mountains out of molehills will always leave you in a bind. Blowing things out of proportion (also known as “catastrophizing”) can really get you down.
The world is not black and white, there are a lot of greys (my boyfriend says this a lot). Quit boxing yourself into a corner; there are never just 2 extreme opposing solutions to a problem, there’s always a grey alternative – think.
Control freak/micro-manager, let go of the controls just a little. This is a trust issue, I know, but it has to be done.
The battle between what you should do and what you want to do. Please yourself ever so often, you will be the happier for it.
Always feel like you have something to prove? That’s an exhausting life my friend. Take it easy. You can’t always be right. Nobody likes a know-it-all cos last time we checked, you weren’t Google. Lol

This got me thinking about how often I find myself in bad moods just by letting something tiny get to me, by over analyzing, assuming or just being fixated on something or the other. When I get like that I reach for food.

Yes, I am an emotional eater. It’s a badge, an identity; try as I might, I haven’t been able to shake off.

- Upset, I eat
- Fatigued, I eat
- Stressed, I eat
- Emotionally worked up, I eat

I know I shouldn’t eat whatever I’m putting in my mouth at that moment but I just can’t help myself. What I know and what I do at those instances is always at variance with each other. It’s no wonder I’m chubby. But I digress.

Been doing some soul search and reading up on the whole problem of emotional eating and made some discoveries about triggers of this habit.

Stress often times brings about cravings, according to the article I read stress stimulates the ‘stress hormone’ known as cortisol. High levels of cortisol can create cravings for salty and sweet foods.

Anxiety also known as nervous energy is a trigger I am very familiar with. This plays out by way of nail biting, teeth grinding or just being orally fidgety. Truth be told, I do not possess ladylike nails anymore. I have attempted to grow them out a few times by even fixing my nails but ended up eating the artificial nail when I got into a nervous fit. Yeah, that bad.

When I feel bad I eat and for me it’s my way of stuffing the pain or hurt. So, each bite of whatever if pushing down the pain so I don’t have to deal with it. I focus on the junk food I’m eating savoring every bite. Being stuffed is the aim here; the more you eat, the better you feel and you have something else to divert your annoyance to and feel bad about – the excess calories you just consumed that you will now have to torture out of your system. Food has taken the focus off of anger, resentment, fear and or anxiety. It’s a coping mechanism.

Growing up, food was often used as a reward for good behavior or good grades. Sweets, cakes and generally junk food were always handy as treats. Till date I still reward myself with a treat for good behavior. Let’s say I hit a target weight, I reward myself with ice-cream and cake because I was disciplined with my deprivation strategy. Bad move I know, but there’s no fun in rewarding yourself with carrots or health food, the bad stuff is sometimes an excellent motivator.

When I’m in a bad mood or I swing moods, I reach for food, it is my source of stability at those points but the truth is that they are not as satisfying until you are stuffed and bursting at the seams.

In The Land of Mine Enemy

Ever feel uncertain about the people who surround you? Suspicious about their comments, mannerisms, and body language? They smile with their mouths but their eyes hold just the tiniest hints of coldness? And these people are ‘supposed’ to be your friends. If you hadn't realized it yet, let me be the first to tell you that you are surrounded by backstabbers, liars and killers. Yes, I said KILLERS' and its use is deliberate.

When you know someone doesn’t like you, it's easy to label them appropriately, limit interactions and do your part in living peaceably with them as is required by law and Christianity. But in the situation where you have an enemy posing as a friend, well, you’re closer to your death hence my use of the word KILLER.

A friend by definition is someone who knows you, a confidante, an ally or pillar. We all want to be surrounded by our 'people', a crop of individuals we can rest assured have our backs at all times. A lovely notion believe me but in the question is, in reality do these types of individuals exist and if they do, do they reside within the sphere of 'our people' (friends).

AESOP says “We often give our enemies the means of our own destruction” this is true in instances where enemies masquerade as friends. As a friend they have access to your life and your secrets. They know what makes you tick and they know your habits.

Who then is an enemy? The dictionary defines it as “One who feels hatred towards, intends injury to, or opposes the interests of another; a foe”. In simple terms, it is someone who does not have your interest at heart, someone who without the slightest provocations would wish you and harbor ill thoughts towards you. If the shoe fits ...

I, like most people, have had the ill fortune of having such people as ‘friends’ it was also unfortunate that I found out too late as I had been overly exposed in my disposition towards them. You are overcome with a sadness when this reality dawns on you; there’s a stabbing pain in your chest and the threat of tears – this is however dependent on the level of friendship.

Having enemies or people who do not like you is not dependent on how nice or likable you are, the slightest things can be picked on as a reason to hate or dislike you. Your niceness can be misconstrued and become the cause of animosity between individuals. So I agree with Ivan Panin who said ‘However bad a man, he will have some friends: however good, he will have some enemies’. But I would rather my enemies showed their true colors as against them masquerading as wolves in sheep clothing.

But who are we kidding really, there is no true eternal friend. Before you shoot me, look at it this way, a slighted friend is a potential enemy. Who when offended can and in most cases speak against you or use whatever they know against you. Its human nature, we tend to lash out, however minimal, at those we love when they have hurt us. Just a little revenge, that little voice inside us says. So I tend to agree with Kurt Cobain

A friend is nothing but a known enemy.

Is Jealousy Bad?

“O! beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on”
- William Shakespeare

Wikipedia defines Jealousy as: “an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy”.

Personally, I think a little bit of jealousy is good. It shows in its own way that a person cares and or dots on their partner. Jealousy for me is synonymous with likeness, love and protectiveness for the particular relationship or friendship. Some people are of the opinion that jealousy is totally uncalled for, ‘if he/she chose to stay with you, you should not sweat the small stuff, stop obsessing and enjoy the relationship’. Yeah sure, easier said than done. Trust me I have tried.

I read somewhere that jealous partners are actually the cheaters in the relationship. Their display of jealousy is an indication of their tendencies to wander. They might actually be cheating and act jealous to throw off suspicion. A bit far-fetched in my opinion but what do I know.

According to psychologists, blame it on childhood trauma. Hmmm. I don’t remember being traumatized as a kid but I do have more than one jealous bone in my body. Also, people with esteem issues, who feel inadequate, insecure, or overly dependent, tend to be more jealous than others. There is always a theory behind emotions expressed in one form or the other, if this wasn’t so, psychologist would be out of business.

Jealousy manifests sometimes due to past failed relationships or friendships - A cheating ex-boy/girlfriend, a lying ex or only child syndrome et al.

But seriously, what is wrong with a little jealousy? It’s an expression of passion. I can be territorial and possessive so the green-eyed monster will surface every time boundaries are tested or crossed. Sue me.

What I admit is wrong with jealousy is when it becomes the focus and centre of your existence. The engulfing, obsessive expression of ‘love’ which eventually leads to violence. Studies have shown that a jealous man has a higher tendency to be violent. And here I was wishing that I would find someone mildly jealous about me. Boo hoo.

Visiting the sin of the father on the son or daughter never really solves anything; it just makes your present circumstance tempestuous and uncomfortable. No one wants to be accused all the time whether justified or not. Learn to let things go and breathe. If you think he’s cheating ask; if he denies it let it go. If he tells you he cheated, cry and decide if you want to remain in there. If you find yourself snooping through your lover's pockets, or reading his e-mails on the sly, stop. This is demeaning to you Cos if you do decide to stay, remember to shelve the suspicious jealous at the door.

Getting Over Jealousy

- Identify the reason for the jealousy and deal with it
- Stop comparing – Yes she’s skinnier than you or has bigger boobs, deal with it. you have different bone structures and different origins. Something else should be working out for you – your ass or personality. Focus on that instead.
- Be realistic – Ask yourself this: Is the person a threat to you? Is being jealous helpful or detrimental to your relationship or friendship?

When all is said and done, a little caution never hurt anyone. Know when to pull the brakes and stop pushing and obsessing and interrogating. You're doing more damage when you just don't know when to stop.

Word to the wise, when in doubt, don't.

Cheers To The Freaking Weekend or NOT

Its an established fact that every social person loooooooves Fridays. Its like when the week starts everyone secretly and sometimes openly wishes for the week to end so it can be Friday and they can party, relax or do whatever people do on a Friday.

Friday for me is a day i love to hate. I am almost always at my most unproductive for the week. Nothing ever gets done as I am so relaxed that my to do list flies outta the window. I am not alone in the unproductive pool; most people tend to shut down mentally from noon on Fridays and eagerly glance at the clock ever so often for 5.30pm to come around.

For most, Friday signifies the start of the 'fun' weekend of drinking, casual or not so casual sex, rest, catch up ... the list is endless. For me it just begins the countdown till Monday when the rat race begins. Yeah I know i should focus on the good stuff but I just can't help it especially when my weekends consists of carefully scheduled activities that often fun flees the scene before I arrive.

When people talk about their lovely weeks laden with activities and 'fun' I can't help but wonder what planet i live and a little green with envy - why the bloody hell can't I have that. Another thought that crosses my mind is that they could be lying about all these fictitious fun just to get me jealous. That I can live with.

So raise your glass with me as we toast the magnificent WEEKEND; may it be everything we dreamt it would be. May your rendezvous happen according to plan and may you, unlike me, have pure unscheduled fun so that when the dreaded monday comes you can think back to the past weekend and have a reason to look forward to Friday.

The cycle continues. Have fun. (wink)

Fighting Temptation

You know the feeling you get when you have a new toy as a kid and all you want to do is hold it, play with it and take it everywhere your go? That's the feeling i associate with attraction. It seldom lasts long, depending on intensity, but it can be distracting and makes you feel like a kid all over ago.

Short of labeling phone numbers 'Do Not Call' it can be a harrowing experience to 'Not Call, Text or Chat' with the attractor.

Temptation is alluring and compelling, once you've caught the bug it must run it's course. Which is another thing, there's no rule book on how long these things last - a day, month, year(s), forever (sob, sob). It goes something like this picture below.

I guess it's the wondering that gets us eventually. Seriously, do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you had succumbed and said 'To hell with it all. Tempt me ye Temptation'.

Uncertainty of the outcome is another thing i guess that halts us in our tracks when we are faced with temptations. Will i come out unharmed? Will I be the better for weakening? Is my heart strong enough to go all the way? The list of what ifs are endless but at some point you have to bite the bullet and decide. Sitting on the fence is not allowed. Second guessing is unattractive. Worrying will only make you age faster. Stressing about what people will think is childish (not entirely though). Just weigh the pros and cons and make a decision you're willing and able to live with for however long you're able to.

To succumb or not to succumb, that, my friend, is the Question.

EXERCISE - Yuck

Weight-loss, my Achilles heel.

I have battled with my weight for ages now. I recently looked up a pix of mine from five years ago and I was close to tears as I beheld the not so subtle transformation.

For the past 5 years I have tried all sorts of diet plans and diet pills which quite frankly were a waste of money - I'm an impatient person, if the results don't come early, I move on to something else. Its a weakness, I know but that's story for another day.

I finally stuck gold with my weight loss battle when a co-worker miraculously showed up slimmer than i recalled. It was truly magic. Slimmer waistline, smaller arms etc. I was truly green with envy. What was the secret, EXERCISE. Like seriously!!! That was the worst news ever cos as you can tell, I'm not an exercise freak. Grew up doing lots of them everyday with my mum - Jackie Genova to be exact. I can recite the entire exercise tape, that's how much of a fanatic i was back then. So, I told her to hook me up - Billy Blanks Tae Bo Flex and Flex Express turned out to do the trick.

6 months of rigorous exercise every evening after work plus protein diets, water therapy, a strict water melon diet, no bread for 2 years and I dropped a dress size. Yes, 1 dress size after 6 months. Boy was i pissed. But I loved my new figure.

2 years after that and I am back where i started from. Why? Just because i stopped EXERCISING. Annoying, I know. I did everything but the exercises - diets, calorie counting and close starvation - but i still gained the weight. I am told I have a slow metabolism this is, my body stores food like its hoarding fuel during scarcity. Boo hoo, poor me. That also means in other to stay trim and healthy I need to make exercise a lifestyle choice. I cried all day when i hard that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lazy, its just that i am not a self motivated person and i need external forces to get me to keep at this new 'lifestyle' option.

So, I went out and registered in an expensive gym (talk about motivation) and torment myself every morning and evening for 1 hour per session. I am in constant pain, irritable most of the time and flat out exhausted at the end of the day. Yeah, I'm having soooooo much 'fun'.

Every time I get a calorie count mail or see pictures like this, I see red. Nobody tells you its bone crushing body aching mind over matter HARDWORK to make the transition from plump to slender but remarkably easy vice-versa.

I don't like being fat and right now I can't seen to find anything that I own to fit me or for that matter anything in the market that is remotely attractive (in my perspective) for a plus size lady so I guess I'm stuck on the treadmill and the stationary bike and the ab cruncher ..... You get the idea.

My Relationship Is Secret So It Doesn’t Exist

People enter into relationships of various kinds for a number of reasons. To strengthen a bond, for security, for business, to feel better et al. relationships are forged for the benefit of getting something in return.

Cascade that to what is supposed to exist between a man and woman and then you have an entirely different mix. The expectations expand by the day as well as the fundamentals. So it is a wonder that a relationship between two people who supposedly love each other is kept secret.

I have a number of theories as to why this is so

1. They are both just kidding themselves about the ‘relationship’
2. They each or one of them is not committed to the relationship and is fronting and paying lip service to the entire shenanigan
3. It’s just sex and they are confusing sex with being in a serious relationship

But seriously, how insecure do you have to be to date a guy you can’t confidently announce to your friends and family ‘that’s my man’?

In this case, the lady in question cannot be allowed that luxury as she is not sure how many of such similar relationships the guy is involved in as it was recently discovered that he had (or is having) relations with someone she calls a friend.

What to advise?

- Pack up and leave?
- Fight for what you want?
- Quit while you’re ahead but leave in a blaze of glory?

Options are to either stay, make the best of the already deteriorating situation or leave. I’m a die harder and I’m told I like pain. So I would go for wringing out every possible opportunity out of the mess before goodbyes are said. Well that’s me and we are not all built for pain.

In my opinion, the existence of a relationship is validated by the number of people eho know about it. So to you all who are deluding yourselves that you are in a relationship but its secret, your just booty call dear cos when it comes right down to it, you have not right to lay claim on your partner or God forbid you find out about a publicly acclaimed and known significant other, no one can fight your cause or speak for you cos you were just plain stupid.

I had a friend who told his girl ‘Don’t bother yourself about my relationships with other girls, focus on what we have and let’s build this’. Ha! Hilarious, right?

A word to the wise: Clarify. Be sure of what you’re doing cos there ain’t going to be enough shoulders to console you when the inevitable happens.

Three Keys to (Much) Better Decisions - Tony Schwartz - Harvard Business Review

Three Keys to (Much) Better Decisions - Tony Schwartz - Harvard Business Review

Stumbled on the post/link above and found myself nodding almost throughout the article. You should give it a read, totally worth it.

We are saddled with the responsibility of decision making every minute of the day. What to wear, what to say, how to say it, choice of words, use of make-up, choice of hairstyles, when to start a task, when to kiss ass, when to play the game of office politics and to what degree, when to throw in the towel in a relationship or at work.

The elements that lead to the decision itself is a enough to give you a headache or a heart attack depending on the pressures that abound at the moment the decision has to be made.

Take the formally leisurely act of shopping. It has become an unending episode of decision making. I go to the shop to buy a box of cereal, and i get burgled down with having to make a choice between the over 15 Kellogg's products and every other cereal manufacturer.

This happened to me just last week, I went shopping for a cereal high in fibre and i was stuck because right before was Sultana Bran, All Bran, Bran Flakes and 2 other brands i can't recall. All the boxes said they were high in fibre so i was spoiled for choice.

In my personal life I have often shied away from making decisions and tried to move the responsibility to a third party so when it turns out to have been a bad decision, I can think to myself and say "I didn't do that or it wasn't my fault". Not mature, I know and trust me not effective either.

I also have come to observe that I make the worse decisions when I am upset or hormonally imbalanced. And annoyingly, I can't take back those actions/decisions once they have been done.

Tony is right, when we calm down, breathe and think through our decisions we tend to have less actions to regret. Its easier said than done, I know that more than anyone, but it would make things a whole lot easier don't you think.

The End Of It All

I think about death sometimes. The finality of it; it’s the end of life as you know it, no more opportunities to re-right a wrong or show love to someone neglected or forgive a wrong or just have a simple conversation.

When I think about how casually we say ‘see you tomorrow’ or ‘goodnight’, I wonder how sure we all are that we will indeed see each other tomorrow; if tomorrow indeed ever comes.

I know its morbid thinking like this but I didn’t appreciate the words see you later or tomorrow until November last year, 2011. I lost my brother in November 2011, 11-11-11 has a new meaning to me cos that was the day I walked into the hospital and saw his cold lifeless body on the hospital bed with tubes sticking out of his body. I still see him when I close my eyes sometimes. He was 27 years old. The image above were his farewell message to a friend some days before he was hospitalized.

I guess for me it was a wake-up call for me cos I am always busy – with school work and office work. I hardly have time for anything else. You guessed, I’m single and I have a demanding job that requires me to be everything to everyone.

When he was in the hospital, I was shuttling work and preparing for my exams. I was there but wasn’t really there. I guess that’s what gets me more, the fact that I took for granted that he was recovering and would soon be discharged that I went on with life as usual, juggled things around to accommodate visits to the hospital. Boy was I wrong.

Had I known that his getting better was a preamble to death, then I would have made time – postponed my exams, taken a leave of absence from work, camped at the hospital, spent every time I had talking to him, laughing with him and making him happy during the 2weeks we had him.


Had I known never solved anything I know but it’s a hard feeling to shake. I still cry every time I pass by the hospital or remember one of his jokes but they are not all sad tears because I know he was a good kid, with a big heart who was loved by many.

The point of this tirade is this

- Live life to the fullest
- Don’t take the people in your life for granted
- Love with all your heart
- Remember that every day is a gift.

Death might be the end for you here but you need to live a life worth remembering.