PRETEND MUCH?

Change: a word loosely used. I’ve known my share of manipulators and sweet tongues and observed that they can hardly make any sentence without featuring “change” in their vocabulary.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all up for change but what riles me the most is when it’s used in the pursuit of selfish motives and personal agenda.



I saw a display image once on a blackberry phone (image above) and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. The irony is as funny as that picture was, it only spoke the truth. How many times have we unconsciously tried to manipulate, or the most acceptable term, change someone to suit the idea of who they are supposed to be in our heads?

“She’s too short” so talk her in to wearing heels even though she’s uncomfortable with it; or you are short and you stop her wearing heels just because you are insecure about your height. Like seriously? Where do we draw the line in trying to remake our families, friends or significant other into that ‘perfect’ person that lives in our heads?

In the past I have been a victim of ‘remodeling’ and trust me, it wasn’t a sweet deal.

It would be so much easier if people accepted each other. If you can’t do that, just walk away. If no one forced you to stay, why should it be a do or die affair? If you make the deliberate choice to stay, accept and love these people in your life, pray for them. If you can’t, let them go.

When we tweak and adjust people in our lives, we often make them unrecognizable and sometimes downright boring. The result of this mutation becomes predictable – we inevitably complain, nag and sometimes, like the picture above, abandon them because they have changed too much.

But change doesn’t really happen where we think it does. The thing about making people change on the outwards is that they are still the same people inside. They may look like they changed but an unchanged heart, spirit or mindset, is just like a wolf pretending to be a sheep. One day, the real nature will always surface.

The right and lasting kind of change is that which comes from within; a conscious and deliberate decision to alter something for the greater good. People are often so fixated on the external which has thus created a large pool of pretenders playing roles for a willing audience.

Sooner or later, people get tired of acting and then the comparison, nagging and complaints starts. The circle begins.

Back in University, a friend of mine (a Christian) was dating a Muslim. We all told him it was doomed from the start, but love, who people say is blind, clouded his better judgment. It turned out the lady was the stronger of them both cos by the end of the session my dear friend became a Muslim. In his words, she had chewed his head off until he caved, for the sake of peace and love. Love, the alter upon which many a resolve and numerous ethics have been slaughtered and sacrificed.

They dated all through school, to our amazement cos we all thought he would get tired of the charades and call it quits. For 6 years + he was a practicing Muslim to the sorrow of his parents but we all learned to live with it. That was why it came as a shock 2 years ago when he hugged me at the Experience music concert all decked in his Muslim cap and goatee - he was never allowed to hug me after his conversion. It turned out that dearest Fatimoh, (that was her name) dumped him a few years after school; her reason being he was not from a Muslim family and her parents wouldn’t sanction the marriage. Major bummer right? Now poor Jide is a religious mess – indecisive of which religious path to tread.

He’s strayed too far off course that he now feels stupid turning back to God and Christianity. I feel sorry for him, really I do, but all the wasted ‘love’ and compromise and ‘change’ of over 6years could easily have been avoided.

I can think of a number of experiences shared with me by friends and colleagues and I’m sure you can too, but what a joy and relief it would be if we all could just learn not to meddle. It’s sad though that a lot of us tend to throw out our brains and lose our identities for acceptance or love. How much easier life would be if we all could first accept ourselves because in that singular act lies the greatest acceptance of all.

The Voice

Yes I can, No you can't.
Yes I will, No you won't.

The continuous inward battle that goes on in the mind of the living. The constant push and pull to try harder, maintain the current pace or just give up.

These voices don't go away. They remain our constant companions all through our lives but the intensity of the voices vary based on our choices. The voice that wins over time often amplifiers its volume that it sometimes drowns out its opposer.

Every decision and action brings us in contact with the voices inside our head. The voice that tell us we can become much more than we see in our present or the one that says, this is as good as it gets - give up or accept.

The voice of reason as people call it, is often the safer option. Its the voice of self preservation and is always averse to risk taking. Don't get me wrong, the voice of reason has its uses and can get us out of tricky situations but it shouldn't become our default option.

The road of life is not paved of gold, it has its bumps along the way with its occasional potholes and possible ditches. Short of investing in a flying carpet, we will encounter these bumps. The question is, how will we be handle these obstacles when they come? Confront them or balk and shy away. The internal voice with the most power will more often make the decisions - but will that be the right decision?

To win in life we need the winning voice. The voice that tells you everyday you are a champion, you can do the impossible and that you are an unstoppable force. Believing that voice is a long term project that starts today. You need to school that voice and practice listening to it. For in you lies a latent champ waiting to be unleashed.

School the voice
Believe the voice
Act accordingly.

Ciao.

Three Keys to (Much) Better Decisions - Tony Schwartz - Harvard Business Review

Three Keys to (Much) Better Decisions - Tony Schwartz - Harvard Business Review

Stumbled on the post/link above and found myself nodding almost throughout the article. You should give it a read, totally worth it.

We are saddled with the responsibility of decision making every minute of the day. What to wear, what to say, how to say it, choice of words, use of make-up, choice of hairstyles, when to start a task, when to kiss ass, when to play the game of office politics and to what degree, when to throw in the towel in a relationship or at work.

The elements that lead to the decision itself is a enough to give you a headache or a heart attack depending on the pressures that abound at the moment the decision has to be made.

Take the formally leisurely act of shopping. It has become an unending episode of decision making. I go to the shop to buy a box of cereal, and i get burgled down with having to make a choice between the over 15 Kellogg's products and every other cereal manufacturer.

This happened to me just last week, I went shopping for a cereal high in fibre and i was stuck because right before was Sultana Bran, All Bran, Bran Flakes and 2 other brands i can't recall. All the boxes said they were high in fibre so i was spoiled for choice.

In my personal life I have often shied away from making decisions and tried to move the responsibility to a third party so when it turns out to have been a bad decision, I can think to myself and say "I didn't do that or it wasn't my fault". Not mature, I know and trust me not effective either.

I also have come to observe that I make the worse decisions when I am upset or hormonally imbalanced. And annoyingly, I can't take back those actions/decisions once they have been done.

Tony is right, when we calm down, breathe and think through our decisions we tend to have less actions to regret. Its easier said than done, I know that more than anyone, but it would make things a whole lot easier don't you think.