The Abyss

You know you’re upset when an overwhelming sadness envelops you, a huge knot forms in your chest making it difficult to breath with ease and you just want to snap at any and everyone from the least provocation.

At least that’s how a feel.

For me, there’s no greater feeling of loathing and joy all wrapped into one than at the moment when you give into the feelings of stewing anger. It’s a bitter sweet feeling that as much as I dread those moments have come to subtly welcome.

It is at those moments I am allowed to be mean and nasty; and all this can be hidden under the disguise of anger. I realize that people tend to make excuses for your behavior when you’re angry. They stay out of your way and sometimes the unpleasant ones become nice. I have come to love those moments when I can get away with anything.

My guilty pleasure at these unfortunate moments is to wallow within the soft caresses of comfort food – ice cream, chips, cake, soft drinks, chocolate, cookies – you name it. Any and every junk food forbidden to me on a normal day just seems to materialize and offer me some semblance of joy, however short lived.

I have long since mastered emotional eating - the act of stuffing your feelings down with food; I eat feel guilty and then punish my body and mind – my body is tormented by an exercise instructor for over 1 hour afterwards and my mind is tortured with accusation and reproach afterwards. Why then do I keep doing this to myself you might wonder. Why give into the forceful gripping hands of anger and self pity?

Why the hell not?

Because I’m human. Because unlike, you I have failed to master my emotions. Because, I am tired and I need to cut myself a break sometimes. Because maybe I just want to indulge in the excesses of junk food that I don’t normally allow myself. Because I am a troubled soul and can only understand the abyss that is self pity.

Just because …

The Baggage Called Past

Everyone has a past. For some, theirs become baggage that must remain sealed. For others, it is an open book that can be glanced at once in a while with a nostalgic smile for events long past.

When I look back into my past sometimes I smile and shake my head in disbelief at the incidents I recall. At other times I just want to dig it up, take it to china, bury it and forget it ever happened. We all have something in our past that we want to forget or pretend never happened; if you don’t have one of such experiences, count yourself lucky and I just have to ask ‘What planet are you from?’.

Dealing with the past has never been an easy thing and if you are like me, sometimes you make that one event/occurrence your permanent residence. Trust me, I know the feeling. Living in the past is easy cos you can right the wrongs, edit conversations and live happily ever after in there but again that’s not a healthy alternative. The longer you stay there, the harder it will become for you to rejoin the rest of the unhappy humans.

So this is my fun list for dealing and overcoming whatever baggage is going to become your past.

Cry
No matter what anyone says, crying is good for you just don’t overdo it. Have a good self pitying and cleansing cry to get the bitterness and hurt out of your system.

Eat
Feed the anger. You are permitted just this once to binge eat on ice cream and any other junk food. Comfort food is good for a grieving heart.

Cleanse
Ok, the pity party is over, so cleanse yourself of every item that can trigger a negative emotional response. Burn, trash and discard everything. Forget nostalgia and move on. Make it fun; call your best friends in to help with the cleansing process.

Sanity
Think positive thoughts and get out of your head. Dying is not worth it and if it was a dude responsible for the pain, the asshole isn’t worth it either. You’re precious and beautiful and good things lie ahead for you.

Jokes aside, your past is a part of who you are and the decisions you take in trying to deal with incidents in that universe in your head will go a long way in shaping your future. Its not healthy to deport these incidents to Somali cos they have a way of sneaking back into your country when you least expect.

The healthy option is to Forgive and Forget.

Forgetting is part of forgiveness and it means letting go of the incident et al from your heart and your head. You’ll be the better and healthier for it. really, that’s some heavy load to be dragging around for the rest of your life.

Forgive yourself first and foremost because we spend most of our lives blaming ourselves for our roles in creating the situations that have led to these hurtful pasts. Without forgiving yourself, forgiving the situation or the offenders will be most difficult.

In your forgiveness however, be smart enough not to trust them suckers again. ©

The Overflowing

I came home one hot Saturday afternoon dripping from head to toe after much haggling and lugging my heavy load from the market, my patience had been tested and pushed to its limit but thankfully I was able to hold my cool.

I dropped off my things and headed straight for the fridge to pick up the cold bottle of coke I had left before leaving for the market but it wasn’t there. I could feel my face heating up and annoyance boiling in my chest. I walked to the staircase and just as I was about to shout at the top of my voice “Who took my coke from the fridge?” I saw my brother in the living room holding on to my precious chilled bottle of coke, taunting me.

The little rascal turned it into a game of kick the coke. By the time I got a hold of it, I opened the bottle without much thought and the contents flew everywhere.

I snapped and responded on impulse by kicking the scoundrel a little over 3 times and flung the erupting bottle in my blind rage. “This was all your fault you ninny. Next time when you see what belongs to me you’ll leave it be”, I screamed. Walking outside to get a mop to clean up the mess further compounded by my tantrum, I kicked and shouted at my poor puppy who came wagging its unassuming tail looking for a back rub. (Timing dude).

After cleaning up the mess, I held the empty bottle of coke in my hands and analyzed my actions.

I was an ass. And the kicking and screaming was uncalled for but what’s done is done.

I apologized to my brother and went back to pat my puppy. Humans are less forgiving than animals. While my puppy couldn’t recall my outburst, my brother did and still does. What a mess. I wasn’t pissed about the coke upon deeper reflection, but my outburst was borne out of suppressed annoyances I had swallowed throughout the day and probably the week.

We sometimes slip into blind rage sometimes and if we dig deep we will find that the situation didn’t always warrant the explosion. My explosive anger is a lot like the overflowing bottle of coke whose explosion comes by turning the cap ever so slightly open.

I Beg To Apply

I beg to apply.

That was the opening line of my first series of application letters I sent out upon leaving school in 2005. Thinking back now, I shouldn’t have begged.

It’s upsetting the way employers treat their staff. Everything said or done is with the tone of condescension. Just because I begged to apply.

You may say I’m being ungrateful. These were the people who gave you a chance to shine, grow and strut your stuff, ‘rolling my eyes in disdain’. They may have done all that but it doesn’t mean I should forever be reminded of it or play the benevolent slave – just because …

I’m upset and tired.

Tired of being made to look like a fool. I am intelligent; I might not have graduated with a First Class like all the pompous private university snubs they treat like descendants from heaven and are handled with kid gloves; but I know stuff. I won’t bore you with the woes surrounding my descent to a second class cos everyone has a story, but I digress.

Just because I chose to ‘beg’ to apply doesn’t mean I must remain in a subservient state forever? Or does it?

The average employer derives some level of joy from talking down at you, making you feel less than significant, or just downright humiliating before your peers. You can’t really hold it against them cos as my mum says ‘Who begged you to apply? If you can’t take it, quit.’

It’s easier said than done. Trust me, I speak from experience. Have you ever been so mad that you have walked to your desk, typed out your resignation letter and just before you print it, the blinding rage stops and reason kicks in. the voice of reason kicks in and begins to reel out to you the consequences of your rash action. Questions like

- How would you fuel your car?
- How long can you survive on your savings?
- What would your family say?
- What would you do till you found another job?
- What if this is it and you never find another job?

The list is endless. But the fear gets you in the end.

I have never been livid with such blinding rage nor gotten to the point described above, but I have friends and colleagues who have. One friend actually defied the voice of reason and went on to resign. Her outcome is another story.

I am upset. Upset that I am more afraid of the consequences of my decision to stay, than the long term outcome of the bitterness and anger that festers in my heart – my blood pressure mounts daily yet I bite down hard and swallow.

Why am I such a coward?

The truth is, there are no perfect jobs, bosses or colleagues; whatever you are running from, might just be waiting for you at the next job you take up. It might even be worse, you just never know. (Voice of reason)

But when it comes to office working conditions, ‘May The Odds Ever Be In Your Favor’ (I borrow from Hunger Games).

Looking back, I wish I didn’t beg to apply. Who knows if I had boldly applied I wouldn’t be ranting right now.

If I beg to resign would they beg me to stay?

I wonder?

PRETEND MUCH?

Change: a word loosely used. I’ve known my share of manipulators and sweet tongues and observed that they can hardly make any sentence without featuring “change” in their vocabulary.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all up for change but what riles me the most is when it’s used in the pursuit of selfish motives and personal agenda.



I saw a display image once on a blackberry phone (image above) and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. The irony is as funny as that picture was, it only spoke the truth. How many times have we unconsciously tried to manipulate, or the most acceptable term, change someone to suit the idea of who they are supposed to be in our heads?

“She’s too short” so talk her in to wearing heels even though she’s uncomfortable with it; or you are short and you stop her wearing heels just because you are insecure about your height. Like seriously? Where do we draw the line in trying to remake our families, friends or significant other into that ‘perfect’ person that lives in our heads?

In the past I have been a victim of ‘remodeling’ and trust me, it wasn’t a sweet deal.

It would be so much easier if people accepted each other. If you can’t do that, just walk away. If no one forced you to stay, why should it be a do or die affair? If you make the deliberate choice to stay, accept and love these people in your life, pray for them. If you can’t, let them go.

When we tweak and adjust people in our lives, we often make them unrecognizable and sometimes downright boring. The result of this mutation becomes predictable – we inevitably complain, nag and sometimes, like the picture above, abandon them because they have changed too much.

But change doesn’t really happen where we think it does. The thing about making people change on the outwards is that they are still the same people inside. They may look like they changed but an unchanged heart, spirit or mindset, is just like a wolf pretending to be a sheep. One day, the real nature will always surface.

The right and lasting kind of change is that which comes from within; a conscious and deliberate decision to alter something for the greater good. People are often so fixated on the external which has thus created a large pool of pretenders playing roles for a willing audience.

Sooner or later, people get tired of acting and then the comparison, nagging and complaints starts. The circle begins.

Back in University, a friend of mine (a Christian) was dating a Muslim. We all told him it was doomed from the start, but love, who people say is blind, clouded his better judgment. It turned out the lady was the stronger of them both cos by the end of the session my dear friend became a Muslim. In his words, she had chewed his head off until he caved, for the sake of peace and love. Love, the alter upon which many a resolve and numerous ethics have been slaughtered and sacrificed.

They dated all through school, to our amazement cos we all thought he would get tired of the charades and call it quits. For 6 years + he was a practicing Muslim to the sorrow of his parents but we all learned to live with it. That was why it came as a shock 2 years ago when he hugged me at the Experience music concert all decked in his Muslim cap and goatee - he was never allowed to hug me after his conversion. It turned out that dearest Fatimoh, (that was her name) dumped him a few years after school; her reason being he was not from a Muslim family and her parents wouldn’t sanction the marriage. Major bummer right? Now poor Jide is a religious mess – indecisive of which religious path to tread.

He’s strayed too far off course that he now feels stupid turning back to God and Christianity. I feel sorry for him, really I do, but all the wasted ‘love’ and compromise and ‘change’ of over 6years could easily have been avoided.

I can think of a number of experiences shared with me by friends and colleagues and I’m sure you can too, but what a joy and relief it would be if we all could just learn not to meddle. It’s sad though that a lot of us tend to throw out our brains and lose our identities for acceptance or love. How much easier life would be if we all could first accept ourselves because in that singular act lies the greatest acceptance of all.

WHO ARE YOU REALLY MAD AT

Sometimes people act in a certain way and you wonder and can’t help thinking ‘Like seriously!!!’

A lot of people walk around with a lot of latent aggression boiling just beneath the surface waiting for the slightest provocation. Suppressed annoyances and transferred aggression is often the order of the day. Truth is, most of us do not realize we are acting out and sometimes do not bother to trace the root cause of our annoyances. Should we give ourselves a minute to think, we will often find out that particular incidents do not match our responses and reactions at the moment we act out.

I read an article that described this scenario; A man was walking on the street with his nine year old son and six year old daughter. The boy looked up and spoke to his father and the father got really pissed (presumably at what the boy said) and started yelling at the boy. You could see the boy was physically affected by the words his father was saying. As soon as his father stopped yelling, the boy turned round and hit his sister.

Shocking right? Not entirely. That story is an example of how a number of us live our lives.
Upset with your boss, take it out on your subordinates.
Upset with your wife, yell at your kids.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s ok and healthy to vent but direct it to the right source.
Quit substituting and repressing your annoyance.
Quit instinctive responses. If you are the receiving end, pause and realize that you are a substitute. This realization often releases you from feeling upset.

It’s a vicious cycle of transferred aggression and the sooner we all took time to pause before reacting and ask ourselves, ‘Is person (A) a punching bag for person (B) who I’m truly upset with?’, we will curb this cycle of negative energy that can be detrimental in the long run.

Break the chain.