The Abyss

You know you’re upset when an overwhelming sadness envelops you, a huge knot forms in your chest making it difficult to breath with ease and you just want to snap at any and everyone from the least provocation.

At least that’s how a feel.

For me, there’s no greater feeling of loathing and joy all wrapped into one than at the moment when you give into the feelings of stewing anger. It’s a bitter sweet feeling that as much as I dread those moments have come to subtly welcome.

It is at those moments I am allowed to be mean and nasty; and all this can be hidden under the disguise of anger. I realize that people tend to make excuses for your behavior when you’re angry. They stay out of your way and sometimes the unpleasant ones become nice. I have come to love those moments when I can get away with anything.

My guilty pleasure at these unfortunate moments is to wallow within the soft caresses of comfort food – ice cream, chips, cake, soft drinks, chocolate, cookies – you name it. Any and every junk food forbidden to me on a normal day just seems to materialize and offer me some semblance of joy, however short lived.

I have long since mastered emotional eating - the act of stuffing your feelings down with food; I eat feel guilty and then punish my body and mind – my body is tormented by an exercise instructor for over 1 hour afterwards and my mind is tortured with accusation and reproach afterwards. Why then do I keep doing this to myself you might wonder. Why give into the forceful gripping hands of anger and self pity?

Why the hell not?

Because I’m human. Because unlike, you I have failed to master my emotions. Because, I am tired and I need to cut myself a break sometimes. Because maybe I just want to indulge in the excesses of junk food that I don’t normally allow myself. Because I am a troubled soul and can only understand the abyss that is self pity.

Just because …