My Dear James

It’s been a while we spoke, it’s not that I didn’t want to write nor could I find the time to but the truth is, it’s hard.

Everyone walks around trying desperately to avoid mentioning you. I want to be angry with them but I can’t blame them cos talking about you is hard.

I still imagine you’re in med school away for the longest of times and dream of the conversations we would have when you get back. Then I wake up; and it’s hard to stay awake cos I still want to go back to sleep and talk to you.

I made some bad decisions this year and I’m so sure you would have talked me out of every single one. You were my conscience, the voice that curbed my excesses and always talked me down from whatever ledge I was standing on. I want to blame you for my bad decisions but it’s hard to do that.

The memories are fading and no matter how hard I try I can’t hold on to them. It’s like with each year some memory disappears and I can’t seem to separate the imagined from reality. Remembering is hard but the fear of forgetting is harder.

One thing I can’t forget is your love for music. I listen to the songs you loved and imagine us singing together, I can hear your distinct tenor. Remember ‘So Far Away’ by Staind? No one gets why I cry whenever I’m singing your songs, even though they are upbeat rock songs. They don’t understand that your songs are the last connections I have to you.

I dedicate this to you on the anniversary of your death. Sleep well my sweet brother for you will always be in my heart. No matter how hard it is to remember, I will never forget. 

Those bastards will rot in hell for depriving you of a full life.

Love always. Your big sis.

The Package

The person who came up with the adage ‘Don’t Judge A Book By Its Cover’ must have had a life changing experience.

It’s often the case with us humans to make an instant judgment about people within the first 5 – 10 minutes of meeting them. We pick up the subtle clues from body language and mannerisms to make an instant decision on what will determine the next phase of the encounter. Books would tell you first impressions are the ones that last the most so you need to put your foot forward at all times and be careful of the vibes you send.

I often find that I make up my mind about people within the first 10 minutes of meeting them. Those who happen to land on my irritated list, tend to work a whole lot harder at convincing me of my error in mislabeling them. If I don’t like you, it would take a message from God to persuade me otherwise.

You would be amazed at the things I could pick up as a reason why I do not like a person. Reasons range from
- Smiled too much
- Didn’t stand straight
- Too strong perfume
- Bad hairdo
- Humorless
- Choice of conversation

So it was just my luck that one cloudy day from work I met this fascinating young gentleman; real interesting, funny, good diction and easy on the eyes. I don’t usually talk to strangers especially on the bus but his introduction into our talk caught me off guard and pricked my curiosity. I was so engrossed in our talk that I missed my busstop. My colleague also in the bus had to call my attention so I wouldn’t miss the next stop. We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up sometime within the week.

Unfortunately for me, I became the office joke and my colleagues gave me grief for a few weeks after that singular action. I didn’t mind it though; I had finally found someone worth my time.

I was on a lucky streak, my impressions were on point. Polite, articulate, gentlemanly, courteous. I was walking on sunshine for a week. I saw beautiful babies, imagined house hunting and decorating (yes o, after just a week). Prayers answered, I danced the funky chicken every night.

Month 2, I got slapped. Bitch slapped.

My perfect gentleman was married. Imagine my surprise. The worst part was that I got bitch slapped by baby mama number 2. Like seriously!!!

Yeah seriously. Don’t know how I missed the signs.

Maybe I was blinded by my picture. My ideal man. The razzmatazz that I didn’t notice things like character and integrity. Or even have a conversation that was meaningful before daydreaming about babies.

The bitch slap hurts till this day cos it’s my reality jolt to look past the façade and discover the hidden potentials that perhaps lies within a short, balding, sweaty, rotund man.

Hidden treasures I’m told to find.

Now We're In A Relationship

Women love definitions, we love to put labels on everything so it sits right. We want to know where we stand in our relationships with the opposite sex so we read meanings into everything. Things just don't happen; every event and conversation is inadvertently linked. Or so we think.

We go with a guy to a wedding and automatically we see ourselves as his girlfriend. He invites us for a service at his church and we start wondering if he's just parading us to the sisters in church as a sign for them to keep off. We go for a family function, to which he has invited all his friends and we jump to the conclusion that he wants us to meet his family. Laughable right!

The mind of a woman. Navigating this treacherous minefield is an exercise in futility. You never come out alive so why bother. Trust me; you don’t know the half of what goes on in our minds.

Here I thought that women were a rare breed. We were special because of our antics and our skills in making mountains out of molehills; our ability to use tears and sometimes blackmail to get what we want out of each other and our men. This belief was firmly shattered by my new found Prince Charming. I never knew Princes read meanings into everything!!!

An accidental broadcast inviting my contacts for a church event awoke the sleeping attentions of my Prince turned Stalker. He automatically assumed I was coming around to his advances.

"So when are you picking me up and which service are we going for 7am or 9am?"
Say what? "I'm not going anywhere with you" was my immediate response.

And so began my back and forth discussion at 3.30am on a Sunday morning. He sure knows how to pick the wrong time to start a conversation.

This was not his first attempt to get me to go to church with him. Every time I said No to his ‘marriage proposal’ he always countered it with "Let’s go to church together, to show you I’m serious”. I didn’t know going to church together, for a guy, was a sign in the dating world for serious contenders.

"I've always said we should go to church together and finally you've invited me, why are you taking it back? Or you don't want to go with me because you're going with someone else? Why are you treating me so? Why is your heart closed? Remember, I don't have a car so I'll be waiting for your call."

"Dude, it was a broadcast, sent to all my contacts. Quit deluding yourself and go to bed".

He finally hung up when he realized I stopped responding and snored loudly into the phone.

"I’m going for a naming ceremony, please come with me. I’ve told all my friends about you and I want to introduce you to them". Sometimes I wonder if I should learn his language so as to communicate better my disinterest in ever going anywhere with him or my utter distain and disrespect for him and all that he stands for.

But seriously, who came up with this rule that going to church together makes you a couple? Or going for occasions automatically makes you a prime candidate for a relationship let alone marriage. If anyone has seen that rule book kindly scan some pages as evidence.

For a lady, running off tangent and reading meanings into everything, is mildly acceptable just because of the way we are wired; but this attitude from a dude, it’s totally unacceptable and reeks of desperation.

Please correct me if I'm wrong.

The Wooing

It was a late Friday evening. The shops were closing for the day and I was rushing to make it to the last store down the street that still had lights on. I was in luck as I barely made it and walked away smiling carrying my dinner and breakfast.

Unbeknownst to me, I was being followed.

In the movies, the guy follows the girl home and tries to get her number. This is always the first step in wooing. It was late and in a hurry so I obliged.

Let the games begin.

2 days after the nighttime encounter, we had our first sighting. He looked ok. Except for the bloodshot eyes, smokers lips and a few bad teeth (me and bad toothed men *rolling my eyes*), I decided there wasn’t any need to seat too close to the exits – we just might have a nice evening out after all.

I wish I had sat close to an exit. I could have feigned going to the bathroom and disappeared. It was like staring in a very bad Nollywood movie, the type I would break the disc and flush the remains in the toilet. Thank God it was dark; I rolled my eyes so many times I thought my eyes would roll out of their sockets.

Within minutes of landing in our seats, my ears were ringing. I knew his life story, his parents’ names, why and how he lost his job, his age, his desire to get married, and his failed relationships (all within the same street!). I ordered a Chapman and hurriedly downed the drink so I could hasten up the entire evening.

His ramblings finally landed on Amaka, his love that got away; the poor dude couldn’t wrap his head around what went wrong. Being the love doctor that I am, I devoted my time to discussing his love interest all in a bid to get the evening over and done with.

Then out of nowhere he says ‘So, what do you think? I want us to have a serious relationship leading to marriage’. Say what? Yes, I was taken aback cos barely seconds ago I was consoling the poor chap about the love of his life and now this!

If you were the last man on earth I would still say HELL NO, my evil twin screamed inside me, but I offered a polite smile, said no.

I was finally free. I was blunt enough to express myself politely and clearly and I was really proud of the fact that my alter ego remained locked up. In the real world, No means No. apparently Prince Charming had a totally different idea of the word NO.

And so it began.

Guy, Am I Sick?

Woo me goddamnit.

Those were the words running through my mind 5 weeks ago on a faithful Saturday evening as I lay in bed chatting with a toaster. I have been told more often than not that I am not very chatty when it comes to the opposite sex especially when the guy is flashing his green light of interest. I can’t help myself; I clam up when overtures are made.

So I am laying there listening to this guy go on and on about his family background and I am thinking ‘dude, enough with the personal history, this is just day one, leave some stories till tomorrow’. I was being polite so I yawed and said I needed to sleep.

Week 4 - nothing's changed. It was the same old rehashing of family history and interrogating me about my family. I call it an interrogation just because every conversation follows the same pattern:

– How are you?
- How is your mum?
- How is your brother?
- Is your dad back in town?
- Did you go out today?
- What time did you come back? You really come back late o. Then the laugh.

I was slowly getting pissed, but I survived.

Today he came for a visit and we went out for drinks. I was a little excited just because the wooing game was kicking off. Wooing is the fun part I’m told. You get all the attention, you are babied, all sins are pre-forgiven and you get GIFTS. I am yet to know a lady who does not love gifts (so sue me). I have had the opportunity to witness the wooing of some friends firsthand and also partaken of the chocolates and seen the perfumes, the iPods, iPads et al - I was expectant, my time was finally here.

I took my time and strolled casually to his car feeling all fly with myself in my short jumpsuit. I barely survived the interrogative questions and tone of the questions. My alter ego worked frantically to squash the embers of my slowly building annoyance and kept repeating, ‘keep calm lady’ as I rolled my internal eyes and sighed silently.

Just when I had reached my breaking point we were back outside my house. As I was making a hasty retreat with some lame excuse I can’t remember, he told me to hold on a minute that he had something for me. He reached into the back seat and I said ’You didn’t have to get me anything’.

It was then that I saw the black nylon bag. As he handed me the bag I looked inside and was frozen in shock by the contents. Inside the black nylon bag was one loaf of Wheat Bread, one pack of Hollandia Milk and one bottle of Lucozade Boost.

I looked at him then and he was all smiles feeling accomplished with himself and oblivious to my facial expression. I just couldn’t bite my tongue so I asked, ‘Guy, did I tell you I was sick?’ he really looked confused by my question so I recalled my manners said thank you, good night and went inside.

So much for my wooing. I guess girls can add my ‘package’ to the lists of gifts received during the wooing period. Mtcheww.

I’m out.

PRETEND MUCH?

Change: a word loosely used. I’ve known my share of manipulators and sweet tongues and observed that they can hardly make any sentence without featuring “change” in their vocabulary.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all up for change but what riles me the most is when it’s used in the pursuit of selfish motives and personal agenda.



I saw a display image once on a blackberry phone (image above) and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. The irony is as funny as that picture was, it only spoke the truth. How many times have we unconsciously tried to manipulate, or the most acceptable term, change someone to suit the idea of who they are supposed to be in our heads?

“She’s too short” so talk her in to wearing heels even though she’s uncomfortable with it; or you are short and you stop her wearing heels just because you are insecure about your height. Like seriously? Where do we draw the line in trying to remake our families, friends or significant other into that ‘perfect’ person that lives in our heads?

In the past I have been a victim of ‘remodeling’ and trust me, it wasn’t a sweet deal.

It would be so much easier if people accepted each other. If you can’t do that, just walk away. If no one forced you to stay, why should it be a do or die affair? If you make the deliberate choice to stay, accept and love these people in your life, pray for them. If you can’t, let them go.

When we tweak and adjust people in our lives, we often make them unrecognizable and sometimes downright boring. The result of this mutation becomes predictable – we inevitably complain, nag and sometimes, like the picture above, abandon them because they have changed too much.

But change doesn’t really happen where we think it does. The thing about making people change on the outwards is that they are still the same people inside. They may look like they changed but an unchanged heart, spirit or mindset, is just like a wolf pretending to be a sheep. One day, the real nature will always surface.

The right and lasting kind of change is that which comes from within; a conscious and deliberate decision to alter something for the greater good. People are often so fixated on the external which has thus created a large pool of pretenders playing roles for a willing audience.

Sooner or later, people get tired of acting and then the comparison, nagging and complaints starts. The circle begins.

Back in University, a friend of mine (a Christian) was dating a Muslim. We all told him it was doomed from the start, but love, who people say is blind, clouded his better judgment. It turned out the lady was the stronger of them both cos by the end of the session my dear friend became a Muslim. In his words, she had chewed his head off until he caved, for the sake of peace and love. Love, the alter upon which many a resolve and numerous ethics have been slaughtered and sacrificed.

They dated all through school, to our amazement cos we all thought he would get tired of the charades and call it quits. For 6 years + he was a practicing Muslim to the sorrow of his parents but we all learned to live with it. That was why it came as a shock 2 years ago when he hugged me at the Experience music concert all decked in his Muslim cap and goatee - he was never allowed to hug me after his conversion. It turned out that dearest Fatimoh, (that was her name) dumped him a few years after school; her reason being he was not from a Muslim family and her parents wouldn’t sanction the marriage. Major bummer right? Now poor Jide is a religious mess – indecisive of which religious path to tread.

He’s strayed too far off course that he now feels stupid turning back to God and Christianity. I feel sorry for him, really I do, but all the wasted ‘love’ and compromise and ‘change’ of over 6years could easily have been avoided.

I can think of a number of experiences shared with me by friends and colleagues and I’m sure you can too, but what a joy and relief it would be if we all could just learn not to meddle. It’s sad though that a lot of us tend to throw out our brains and lose our identities for acceptance or love. How much easier life would be if we all could first accept ourselves because in that singular act lies the greatest acceptance of all.

Is Jealousy Bad?

“O! beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on”
- William Shakespeare

Wikipedia defines Jealousy as: “an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy”.

Personally, I think a little bit of jealousy is good. It shows in its own way that a person cares and or dots on their partner. Jealousy for me is synonymous with likeness, love and protectiveness for the particular relationship or friendship. Some people are of the opinion that jealousy is totally uncalled for, ‘if he/she chose to stay with you, you should not sweat the small stuff, stop obsessing and enjoy the relationship’. Yeah sure, easier said than done. Trust me I have tried.

I read somewhere that jealous partners are actually the cheaters in the relationship. Their display of jealousy is an indication of their tendencies to wander. They might actually be cheating and act jealous to throw off suspicion. A bit far-fetched in my opinion but what do I know.

According to psychologists, blame it on childhood trauma. Hmmm. I don’t remember being traumatized as a kid but I do have more than one jealous bone in my body. Also, people with esteem issues, who feel inadequate, insecure, or overly dependent, tend to be more jealous than others. There is always a theory behind emotions expressed in one form or the other, if this wasn’t so, psychologist would be out of business.

Jealousy manifests sometimes due to past failed relationships or friendships - A cheating ex-boy/girlfriend, a lying ex or only child syndrome et al.

But seriously, what is wrong with a little jealousy? It’s an expression of passion. I can be territorial and possessive so the green-eyed monster will surface every time boundaries are tested or crossed. Sue me.

What I admit is wrong with jealousy is when it becomes the focus and centre of your existence. The engulfing, obsessive expression of ‘love’ which eventually leads to violence. Studies have shown that a jealous man has a higher tendency to be violent. And here I was wishing that I would find someone mildly jealous about me. Boo hoo.

Visiting the sin of the father on the son or daughter never really solves anything; it just makes your present circumstance tempestuous and uncomfortable. No one wants to be accused all the time whether justified or not. Learn to let things go and breathe. If you think he’s cheating ask; if he denies it let it go. If he tells you he cheated, cry and decide if you want to remain in there. If you find yourself snooping through your lover's pockets, or reading his e-mails on the sly, stop. This is demeaning to you Cos if you do decide to stay, remember to shelve the suspicious jealous at the door.

Getting Over Jealousy

- Identify the reason for the jealousy and deal with it
- Stop comparing – Yes she’s skinnier than you or has bigger boobs, deal with it. you have different bone structures and different origins. Something else should be working out for you – your ass or personality. Focus on that instead.
- Be realistic – Ask yourself this: Is the person a threat to you? Is being jealous helpful or detrimental to your relationship or friendship?

When all is said and done, a little caution never hurt anyone. Know when to pull the brakes and stop pushing and obsessing and interrogating. You're doing more damage when you just don't know when to stop.

Word to the wise, when in doubt, don't.

My Relationship Is Secret So It Doesn’t Exist

People enter into relationships of various kinds for a number of reasons. To strengthen a bond, for security, for business, to feel better et al. relationships are forged for the benefit of getting something in return.

Cascade that to what is supposed to exist between a man and woman and then you have an entirely different mix. The expectations expand by the day as well as the fundamentals. So it is a wonder that a relationship between two people who supposedly love each other is kept secret.

I have a number of theories as to why this is so

1. They are both just kidding themselves about the ‘relationship’
2. They each or one of them is not committed to the relationship and is fronting and paying lip service to the entire shenanigan
3. It’s just sex and they are confusing sex with being in a serious relationship

But seriously, how insecure do you have to be to date a guy you can’t confidently announce to your friends and family ‘that’s my man’?

In this case, the lady in question cannot be allowed that luxury as she is not sure how many of such similar relationships the guy is involved in as it was recently discovered that he had (or is having) relations with someone she calls a friend.

What to advise?

- Pack up and leave?
- Fight for what you want?
- Quit while you’re ahead but leave in a blaze of glory?

Options are to either stay, make the best of the already deteriorating situation or leave. I’m a die harder and I’m told I like pain. So I would go for wringing out every possible opportunity out of the mess before goodbyes are said. Well that’s me and we are not all built for pain.

In my opinion, the existence of a relationship is validated by the number of people eho know about it. So to you all who are deluding yourselves that you are in a relationship but its secret, your just booty call dear cos when it comes right down to it, you have not right to lay claim on your partner or God forbid you find out about a publicly acclaimed and known significant other, no one can fight your cause or speak for you cos you were just plain stupid.

I had a friend who told his girl ‘Don’t bother yourself about my relationships with other girls, focus on what we have and let’s build this’. Ha! Hilarious, right?

A word to the wise: Clarify. Be sure of what you’re doing cos there ain’t going to be enough shoulders to console you when the inevitable happens.