My Dear James

It’s been a while we spoke, it’s not that I didn’t want to write nor could I find the time to but the truth is, it’s hard.

Everyone walks around trying desperately to avoid mentioning you. I want to be angry with them but I can’t blame them cos talking about you is hard.

I still imagine you’re in med school away for the longest of times and dream of the conversations we would have when you get back. Then I wake up; and it’s hard to stay awake cos I still want to go back to sleep and talk to you.

I made some bad decisions this year and I’m so sure you would have talked me out of every single one. You were my conscience, the voice that curbed my excesses and always talked me down from whatever ledge I was standing on. I want to blame you for my bad decisions but it’s hard to do that.

The memories are fading and no matter how hard I try I can’t hold on to them. It’s like with each year some memory disappears and I can’t seem to separate the imagined from reality. Remembering is hard but the fear of forgetting is harder.

One thing I can’t forget is your love for music. I listen to the songs you loved and imagine us singing together, I can hear your distinct tenor. Remember ‘So Far Away’ by Staind? No one gets why I cry whenever I’m singing your songs, even though they are upbeat rock songs. They don’t understand that your songs are the last connections I have to you.

I dedicate this to you on the anniversary of your death. Sleep well my sweet brother for you will always be in my heart. No matter how hard it is to remember, I will never forget. 

Those bastards will rot in hell for depriving you of a full life.

Love always. Your big sis.

The End Of It All

I think about death sometimes. The finality of it; it’s the end of life as you know it, no more opportunities to re-right a wrong or show love to someone neglected or forgive a wrong or just have a simple conversation.

When I think about how casually we say ‘see you tomorrow’ or ‘goodnight’, I wonder how sure we all are that we will indeed see each other tomorrow; if tomorrow indeed ever comes.

I know its morbid thinking like this but I didn’t appreciate the words see you later or tomorrow until November last year, 2011. I lost my brother in November 2011, 11-11-11 has a new meaning to me cos that was the day I walked into the hospital and saw his cold lifeless body on the hospital bed with tubes sticking out of his body. I still see him when I close my eyes sometimes. He was 27 years old. The image above were his farewell message to a friend some days before he was hospitalized.

I guess for me it was a wake-up call for me cos I am always busy – with school work and office work. I hardly have time for anything else. You guessed, I’m single and I have a demanding job that requires me to be everything to everyone.

When he was in the hospital, I was shuttling work and preparing for my exams. I was there but wasn’t really there. I guess that’s what gets me more, the fact that I took for granted that he was recovering and would soon be discharged that I went on with life as usual, juggled things around to accommodate visits to the hospital. Boy was I wrong.

Had I known that his getting better was a preamble to death, then I would have made time – postponed my exams, taken a leave of absence from work, camped at the hospital, spent every time I had talking to him, laughing with him and making him happy during the 2weeks we had him.


Had I known never solved anything I know but it’s a hard feeling to shake. I still cry every time I pass by the hospital or remember one of his jokes but they are not all sad tears because I know he was a good kid, with a big heart who was loved by many.

The point of this tirade is this

- Live life to the fullest
- Don’t take the people in your life for granted
- Love with all your heart
- Remember that every day is a gift.

Death might be the end for you here but you need to live a life worth remembering.