My Dear James

It’s been a while we spoke, it’s not that I didn’t want to write nor could I find the time to but the truth is, it’s hard.

Everyone walks around trying desperately to avoid mentioning you. I want to be angry with them but I can’t blame them cos talking about you is hard.

I still imagine you’re in med school away for the longest of times and dream of the conversations we would have when you get back. Then I wake up; and it’s hard to stay awake cos I still want to go back to sleep and talk to you.

I made some bad decisions this year and I’m so sure you would have talked me out of every single one. You were my conscience, the voice that curbed my excesses and always talked me down from whatever ledge I was standing on. I want to blame you for my bad decisions but it’s hard to do that.

The memories are fading and no matter how hard I try I can’t hold on to them. It’s like with each year some memory disappears and I can’t seem to separate the imagined from reality. Remembering is hard but the fear of forgetting is harder.

One thing I can’t forget is your love for music. I listen to the songs you loved and imagine us singing together, I can hear your distinct tenor. Remember ‘So Far Away’ by Staind? No one gets why I cry whenever I’m singing your songs, even though they are upbeat rock songs. They don’t understand that your songs are the last connections I have to you.

I dedicate this to you on the anniversary of your death. Sleep well my sweet brother for you will always be in my heart. No matter how hard it is to remember, I will never forget. 

Those bastards will rot in hell for depriving you of a full life.

Love always. Your big sis.

Adious, Sayanara, Au Revoir

I hate goodbyes.

They always leave you with an empty feeling on your insides. at that instant your mind flashes back to all saved memories you have shared with that person - its the equivalent of your life flashing before your eyes. The good, the bad and the ugly all rolled up into one moment.

Its a bitter sweet feeling because as much as you will miss that person it is all for the good that they have to live - a damned if you do damned if you don't moment. There's a certain sadness attributed to some goodbyes cos in most cases you have that strong sense that this will be the last time you will see, be close, be familiar with this person. Its a sinking feeling that all you have are memories, that with time will fade or be eroded by this play called LIFE.

I hate goodbyes.

They say 20 friends cannot play together for 20 years; that may be true but when the play ends all 20 of them wish the games could have continued. When the numbers become 2 left on the playing field, the absence of the lost 18 become obvious. You may be saying to yourself, change the game or the field but the truth is memories were created on that field and within that game, its easier said than done.

We all meet to part and part to meet again someday, my prayer is that when we do meet again that it be for the better, that the memories remain and should we part once more sometime in the future, that it still leaves us with a bitter sweet feeling cos then we will know that we have really made an impact on the others' life.

Goodbyes suck but I say it anyway, Goodbye and Goodluck.