The Question Of The Child

A couple of friends were discussing the subject of love, marriage and commitment the other day and an interesting debate ensued.

Where I come from marriage is the ultimate achievement for a woman. Us unwed ladies are looked down on and pitied for not being fortunate enough to be married. You can hear it in conversations over your head "Poor you, still not married, she most definitely is doing something wrong to still be single after all this time". Hello! I'm still in the room for Christ's sake, shish!!!

So where was I? Yes, marriage as the ultimate achievement. The crowning glory of a woman is her husband and the jewelry in her crown are her children. Yes, I do agree that children are just adorable. This brings me to the crux of the debate; children seize to be the jewel in the crown when the lady is unwed. The question being why.

An unwed lady, we can condone but when she has kids in tow, it limits her possibilities of finding a Mr. Right to live happily ever after with. I once knew a guy who said he would marry a single mother with a female child but not a male child, his reason being he and his wife must share only one first son and that son must be his. Hmmmm, didn't get the logic then and still don't get it now. 

The realities that prospective single mothers have to tackle upon discovering they are with child are numerous

1.      What will my family say? - There is always the situation of being disowned and thrown out of the house by strict parents who can't stand the disgrace.

2.   What will people say? - The stigmatization of single mothers by their 'friends' is better imagined. People do have bad mouth and tend to wag a considerable amount of negative comments. The society automatically labels the lady promiscuous and wayward.

3.      Who will marry me? - There are a limited number of men who are modern enough to accept another man's child as his. And sometimes those 'modern' men act out when married to these 'promiscuous' women.

It’s not an easy decision, to keep or not to keep, that’s the question. 

As the debate drew to a noisy close, the floor was divided. Some were of the opinion that any lady who found herself in such a situation should suffer the consequences of their actions and endure punishment of life as a single mom with the possibility of no prince charming ever gracing your doorsteps. Reasons: 1) Abortion is a sin. 2) Screw society, you’re old enough to live through the stigma. 3) A man will eventually come, so fear not.

While a smaller number believed abortion was the only solution. Reason: A mistake had already been made why complicate your life even further? 

A lone voice maintained this position, "You don't know what you're capable of until you're faced with a tough decision.  Your decision can swing anywhere so be cautious about spewing boastful opinions and convictions".

 

I have to agree with her point of view and remain on the fence on this one.

What do you think?

Now We're In A Relationship

Women love definitions, we love to put labels on everything so it sits right. We want to know where we stand in our relationships with the opposite sex so we read meanings into everything. Things just don't happen; every event and conversation is inadvertently linked. Or so we think.

We go with a guy to a wedding and automatically we see ourselves as his girlfriend. He invites us for a service at his church and we start wondering if he's just parading us to the sisters in church as a sign for them to keep off. We go for a family function, to which he has invited all his friends and we jump to the conclusion that he wants us to meet his family. Laughable right!

The mind of a woman. Navigating this treacherous minefield is an exercise in futility. You never come out alive so why bother. Trust me; you don’t know the half of what goes on in our minds.

Here I thought that women were a rare breed. We were special because of our antics and our skills in making mountains out of molehills; our ability to use tears and sometimes blackmail to get what we want out of each other and our men. This belief was firmly shattered by my new found Prince Charming. I never knew Princes read meanings into everything!!!

An accidental broadcast inviting my contacts for a church event awoke the sleeping attentions of my Prince turned Stalker. He automatically assumed I was coming around to his advances.

"So when are you picking me up and which service are we going for 7am or 9am?"
Say what? "I'm not going anywhere with you" was my immediate response.

And so began my back and forth discussion at 3.30am on a Sunday morning. He sure knows how to pick the wrong time to start a conversation.

This was not his first attempt to get me to go to church with him. Every time I said No to his ‘marriage proposal’ he always countered it with "Let’s go to church together, to show you I’m serious”. I didn’t know going to church together, for a guy, was a sign in the dating world for serious contenders.

"I've always said we should go to church together and finally you've invited me, why are you taking it back? Or you don't want to go with me because you're going with someone else? Why are you treating me so? Why is your heart closed? Remember, I don't have a car so I'll be waiting for your call."

"Dude, it was a broadcast, sent to all my contacts. Quit deluding yourself and go to bed".

He finally hung up when he realized I stopped responding and snored loudly into the phone.

"I’m going for a naming ceremony, please come with me. I’ve told all my friends about you and I want to introduce you to them". Sometimes I wonder if I should learn his language so as to communicate better my disinterest in ever going anywhere with him or my utter distain and disrespect for him and all that he stands for.

But seriously, who came up with this rule that going to church together makes you a couple? Or going for occasions automatically makes you a prime candidate for a relationship let alone marriage. If anyone has seen that rule book kindly scan some pages as evidence.

For a lady, running off tangent and reading meanings into everything, is mildly acceptable just because of the way we are wired; but this attitude from a dude, it’s totally unacceptable and reeks of desperation.

Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Diary Of A Twisted Mind

Ever since I was little I always said I never wanted to get married. Maybe it was all the sob movies I saw growing up, my parents marriage or the politics behind Princess Diana's wedding, all I know is I continually professed I was going to be a Nun.

Being a Nun in my eyes meant abstinence from all the worldly temptations of sex and being safe from the heartaches and drama associated with love and marriage.

I remember being beaten and slapped by my then single senior aunt and sometimes my mother every time they were within ear shot of my utterance. It was never a palatable experience. The slaps became harder as I grew up. I never understood the fuss anyway, it was my life and my decision to make whether I was cut out for marriage but apparently they thought otherwise. How could a young girl declare boldly, she wasn't going to be married? And she was going to become a Nun? It made my mother cry frequently. Marriage was and still is a thing of pride here in Nigeria. If you aren't married from a certain age, then something is 'wrong' with you.

As I grew up, I looked for a reason to change my mind about the entire concept of marriage because I saw it as a sham. An excuse for people to have sex legally and procreate - what's the fuss about that? People go their entire lives without it. And besides, I had older sisters and brothers, if grand children were the issue they had it covered. There were no good examples for me to see and want to aspire to. All the married couples I knew were miserable, particularly the women. The men were philandering husbands who did whatever they liked outside their matrimonial homes but came home and pretended like saints. Some wives knew and pretended not to know, while others embraced the adage of 'What's good for the goose is good for the gander' and carried out their own affairs.

Seriously! That's what they wanted me to become? An angry, discontent, troubled and depressed woman for the rest of my life? Just because my parents wanted to experience the joys of throwing a party so their friends could see that they too had a married child and the grandchildren would soon flow. Well they have another think coming.

Marriage is not for everyone. And I had established it within myself that it wasn't for me.