Now We're In A Relationship

Women love definitions, we love to put labels on everything so it sits right. We want to know where we stand in our relationships with the opposite sex so we read meanings into everything. Things just don't happen; every event and conversation is inadvertently linked. Or so we think.

We go with a guy to a wedding and automatically we see ourselves as his girlfriend. He invites us for a service at his church and we start wondering if he's just parading us to the sisters in church as a sign for them to keep off. We go for a family function, to which he has invited all his friends and we jump to the conclusion that he wants us to meet his family. Laughable right!

The mind of a woman. Navigating this treacherous minefield is an exercise in futility. You never come out alive so why bother. Trust me; you don’t know the half of what goes on in our minds.

Here I thought that women were a rare breed. We were special because of our antics and our skills in making mountains out of molehills; our ability to use tears and sometimes blackmail to get what we want out of each other and our men. This belief was firmly shattered by my new found Prince Charming. I never knew Princes read meanings into everything!!!

An accidental broadcast inviting my contacts for a church event awoke the sleeping attentions of my Prince turned Stalker. He automatically assumed I was coming around to his advances.

"So when are you picking me up and which service are we going for 7am or 9am?"
Say what? "I'm not going anywhere with you" was my immediate response.

And so began my back and forth discussion at 3.30am on a Sunday morning. He sure knows how to pick the wrong time to start a conversation.

This was not his first attempt to get me to go to church with him. Every time I said No to his ‘marriage proposal’ he always countered it with "Let’s go to church together, to show you I’m serious”. I didn’t know going to church together, for a guy, was a sign in the dating world for serious contenders.

"I've always said we should go to church together and finally you've invited me, why are you taking it back? Or you don't want to go with me because you're going with someone else? Why are you treating me so? Why is your heart closed? Remember, I don't have a car so I'll be waiting for your call."

"Dude, it was a broadcast, sent to all my contacts. Quit deluding yourself and go to bed".

He finally hung up when he realized I stopped responding and snored loudly into the phone.

"I’m going for a naming ceremony, please come with me. I’ve told all my friends about you and I want to introduce you to them". Sometimes I wonder if I should learn his language so as to communicate better my disinterest in ever going anywhere with him or my utter distain and disrespect for him and all that he stands for.

But seriously, who came up with this rule that going to church together makes you a couple? Or going for occasions automatically makes you a prime candidate for a relationship let alone marriage. If anyone has seen that rule book kindly scan some pages as evidence.

For a lady, running off tangent and reading meanings into everything, is mildly acceptable just because of the way we are wired; but this attitude from a dude, it’s totally unacceptable and reeks of desperation.

Please correct me if I'm wrong.

The Wooing

It was a late Friday evening. The shops were closing for the day and I was rushing to make it to the last store down the street that still had lights on. I was in luck as I barely made it and walked away smiling carrying my dinner and breakfast.

Unbeknownst to me, I was being followed.

In the movies, the guy follows the girl home and tries to get her number. This is always the first step in wooing. It was late and in a hurry so I obliged.

Let the games begin.

2 days after the nighttime encounter, we had our first sighting. He looked ok. Except for the bloodshot eyes, smokers lips and a few bad teeth (me and bad toothed men *rolling my eyes*), I decided there wasn’t any need to seat too close to the exits – we just might have a nice evening out after all.

I wish I had sat close to an exit. I could have feigned going to the bathroom and disappeared. It was like staring in a very bad Nollywood movie, the type I would break the disc and flush the remains in the toilet. Thank God it was dark; I rolled my eyes so many times I thought my eyes would roll out of their sockets.

Within minutes of landing in our seats, my ears were ringing. I knew his life story, his parents’ names, why and how he lost his job, his age, his desire to get married, and his failed relationships (all within the same street!). I ordered a Chapman and hurriedly downed the drink so I could hasten up the entire evening.

His ramblings finally landed on Amaka, his love that got away; the poor dude couldn’t wrap his head around what went wrong. Being the love doctor that I am, I devoted my time to discussing his love interest all in a bid to get the evening over and done with.

Then out of nowhere he says ‘So, what do you think? I want us to have a serious relationship leading to marriage’. Say what? Yes, I was taken aback cos barely seconds ago I was consoling the poor chap about the love of his life and now this!

If you were the last man on earth I would still say HELL NO, my evil twin screamed inside me, but I offered a polite smile, said no.

I was finally free. I was blunt enough to express myself politely and clearly and I was really proud of the fact that my alter ego remained locked up. In the real world, No means No. apparently Prince Charming had a totally different idea of the word NO.

And so it began.

Is Jealousy Bad?

“O! beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on”
- William Shakespeare

Wikipedia defines Jealousy as: “an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy”.

Personally, I think a little bit of jealousy is good. It shows in its own way that a person cares and or dots on their partner. Jealousy for me is synonymous with likeness, love and protectiveness for the particular relationship or friendship. Some people are of the opinion that jealousy is totally uncalled for, ‘if he/she chose to stay with you, you should not sweat the small stuff, stop obsessing and enjoy the relationship’. Yeah sure, easier said than done. Trust me I have tried.

I read somewhere that jealous partners are actually the cheaters in the relationship. Their display of jealousy is an indication of their tendencies to wander. They might actually be cheating and act jealous to throw off suspicion. A bit far-fetched in my opinion but what do I know.

According to psychologists, blame it on childhood trauma. Hmmm. I don’t remember being traumatized as a kid but I do have more than one jealous bone in my body. Also, people with esteem issues, who feel inadequate, insecure, or overly dependent, tend to be more jealous than others. There is always a theory behind emotions expressed in one form or the other, if this wasn’t so, psychologist would be out of business.

Jealousy manifests sometimes due to past failed relationships or friendships - A cheating ex-boy/girlfriend, a lying ex or only child syndrome et al.

But seriously, what is wrong with a little jealousy? It’s an expression of passion. I can be territorial and possessive so the green-eyed monster will surface every time boundaries are tested or crossed. Sue me.

What I admit is wrong with jealousy is when it becomes the focus and centre of your existence. The engulfing, obsessive expression of ‘love’ which eventually leads to violence. Studies have shown that a jealous man has a higher tendency to be violent. And here I was wishing that I would find someone mildly jealous about me. Boo hoo.

Visiting the sin of the father on the son or daughter never really solves anything; it just makes your present circumstance tempestuous and uncomfortable. No one wants to be accused all the time whether justified or not. Learn to let things go and breathe. If you think he’s cheating ask; if he denies it let it go. If he tells you he cheated, cry and decide if you want to remain in there. If you find yourself snooping through your lover's pockets, or reading his e-mails on the sly, stop. This is demeaning to you Cos if you do decide to stay, remember to shelve the suspicious jealous at the door.

Getting Over Jealousy

- Identify the reason for the jealousy and deal with it
- Stop comparing – Yes she’s skinnier than you or has bigger boobs, deal with it. you have different bone structures and different origins. Something else should be working out for you – your ass or personality. Focus on that instead.
- Be realistic – Ask yourself this: Is the person a threat to you? Is being jealous helpful or detrimental to your relationship or friendship?

When all is said and done, a little caution never hurt anyone. Know when to pull the brakes and stop pushing and obsessing and interrogating. You're doing more damage when you just don't know when to stop.

Word to the wise, when in doubt, don't.

My Relationship Is Secret So It Doesn’t Exist

People enter into relationships of various kinds for a number of reasons. To strengthen a bond, for security, for business, to feel better et al. relationships are forged for the benefit of getting something in return.

Cascade that to what is supposed to exist between a man and woman and then you have an entirely different mix. The expectations expand by the day as well as the fundamentals. So it is a wonder that a relationship between two people who supposedly love each other is kept secret.

I have a number of theories as to why this is so

1. They are both just kidding themselves about the ‘relationship’
2. They each or one of them is not committed to the relationship and is fronting and paying lip service to the entire shenanigan
3. It’s just sex and they are confusing sex with being in a serious relationship

But seriously, how insecure do you have to be to date a guy you can’t confidently announce to your friends and family ‘that’s my man’?

In this case, the lady in question cannot be allowed that luxury as she is not sure how many of such similar relationships the guy is involved in as it was recently discovered that he had (or is having) relations with someone she calls a friend.

What to advise?

- Pack up and leave?
- Fight for what you want?
- Quit while you’re ahead but leave in a blaze of glory?

Options are to either stay, make the best of the already deteriorating situation or leave. I’m a die harder and I’m told I like pain. So I would go for wringing out every possible opportunity out of the mess before goodbyes are said. Well that’s me and we are not all built for pain.

In my opinion, the existence of a relationship is validated by the number of people eho know about it. So to you all who are deluding yourselves that you are in a relationship but its secret, your just booty call dear cos when it comes right down to it, you have not right to lay claim on your partner or God forbid you find out about a publicly acclaimed and known significant other, no one can fight your cause or speak for you cos you were just plain stupid.

I had a friend who told his girl ‘Don’t bother yourself about my relationships with other girls, focus on what we have and let’s build this’. Ha! Hilarious, right?

A word to the wise: Clarify. Be sure of what you’re doing cos there ain’t going to be enough shoulders to console you when the inevitable happens.