Guy, Am I Sick?

Woo me goddamnit.

Those were the words running through my mind 5 weeks ago on a faithful Saturday evening as I lay in bed chatting with a toaster. I have been told more often than not that I am not very chatty when it comes to the opposite sex especially when the guy is flashing his green light of interest. I can’t help myself; I clam up when overtures are made.

So I am laying there listening to this guy go on and on about his family background and I am thinking ‘dude, enough with the personal history, this is just day one, leave some stories till tomorrow’. I was being polite so I yawed and said I needed to sleep.

Week 4 - nothing's changed. It was the same old rehashing of family history and interrogating me about my family. I call it an interrogation just because every conversation follows the same pattern:

– How are you?
- How is your mum?
- How is your brother?
- Is your dad back in town?
- Did you go out today?
- What time did you come back? You really come back late o. Then the laugh.

I was slowly getting pissed, but I survived.

Today he came for a visit and we went out for drinks. I was a little excited just because the wooing game was kicking off. Wooing is the fun part I’m told. You get all the attention, you are babied, all sins are pre-forgiven and you get GIFTS. I am yet to know a lady who does not love gifts (so sue me). I have had the opportunity to witness the wooing of some friends firsthand and also partaken of the chocolates and seen the perfumes, the iPods, iPads et al - I was expectant, my time was finally here.

I took my time and strolled casually to his car feeling all fly with myself in my short jumpsuit. I barely survived the interrogative questions and tone of the questions. My alter ego worked frantically to squash the embers of my slowly building annoyance and kept repeating, ‘keep calm lady’ as I rolled my internal eyes and sighed silently.

Just when I had reached my breaking point we were back outside my house. As I was making a hasty retreat with some lame excuse I can’t remember, he told me to hold on a minute that he had something for me. He reached into the back seat and I said ’You didn’t have to get me anything’.

It was then that I saw the black nylon bag. As he handed me the bag I looked inside and was frozen in shock by the contents. Inside the black nylon bag was one loaf of Wheat Bread, one pack of Hollandia Milk and one bottle of Lucozade Boost.

I looked at him then and he was all smiles feeling accomplished with himself and oblivious to my facial expression. I just couldn’t bite my tongue so I asked, ‘Guy, did I tell you I was sick?’ he really looked confused by my question so I recalled my manners said thank you, good night and went inside.

So much for my wooing. I guess girls can add my ‘package’ to the lists of gifts received during the wooing period. Mtcheww.

I’m out.