Forgiveness

I say I forgave but I ask myself now, did I really?

If forgiveness is setting the person who wronged and hurt you free then why I do I still feel pain when I remember? I am plagued with this question as I am not sure if I am practicing true Christianity.

I want to forgive, I want to move on, I want to forget and I want to live pain free. But when will that happen?

What’s the gestation period? How do I know I am finally free?

I stumbled on some new information about things I was lied to about and I find I do not know how to react. I still feel pain and a fleeting moment of regret, and a certain wistful sadness when flashbacks come at the most unwanted moments.

I forgave and I make it a duty to say it out loud every day. Am I just trying to convince myself or have I finally and forever let it go?

I am confused.

THE SKY FELL AND I LOVED THE VIEW

I have always been a fan of the James Bond franchise. I don't mean to brag but I believe I have seen almost all the released bond movies.

They have all been fantastic movies.

Of all the Bond men, my top 3 memorable actors would be
Roger Moore
Sean Connery
Pierce Brosnan

They all brought some level of sex appeal, adventure and intrigue to the role and the movie as a whole. When Daniel Craig took over the Bond character, I withdraw from the entire Bond high or addiction if you would call it that.

When Casino Royale was released, I didn't bother clamoring for a seat in the cinemas; I had seen the previews and wasn’t particularly thrilled. I took my sweet time and got someone to pay for the ticket (I can be cheap, I know) because I wasn't going to waste my cash on something I wasn’t entirely sure of the eventual outcome. I didn't enjoy the movie; not after this response ‘Do I look like I give a damn’ when he was asked if he wanted his martini shaken or stirred moments after a poker game.

I'm not prejudiced against him; I did give him the benefit of doubt to redeem himself a second time but he failed miserably. I was at the premiere of Quantum of Solace and it was honestly all I could do not to fall asleep during the movie. Gone was the sexy minx of a man I had associated with the character, the savvy action god with cool gadgets and a calm demeanor. In his place was a stone-faced man with one expression for the duration of the movie, and that expression was not sexy, sweet, teasing or appealing. I waited to hear that one line that was a signature with the bond men - Martini, shaken not stirred - but it was nowhere to be found or in this case heard. Imagine my disappointment, again.

When Skyfall hit the cinemas I was again skeptical. Will this be another hit and miss with me?

As luck would have it, this time around, I didn't have to pay to watch the movie at the cinema and I also when the buzz had died down. We were less than 15 in the hall which was perfect - no distractions or side comments. The movie had my full concentration.

The opening was catchy, loved it. Theme song by Adele, loved it and love her too.

Judi Dench as always was fantastic. You could feel her frustrations especially when she had to use a swear word here and there in the movie. The storyline was built around her so she got a lot of screen time this time around. Her choices during her career as M was on scrutiny - uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. Her past came back to bite her in the ass and took some casualties.

Javier Bardem played the villain of the movie and I must say his acting was phenomenal. His character was totally sick and twisted upstairs, his portrayal was believable. You could feel and sometimes understand his motives for being so bad-ass - at least I did. He felt wronged, abandoned and used. Imagine being captured, tortured and still upholding the code of silence, then you swallow cyanide and death still doesn't come, only to find out that you were deliberately sacrificed by MI6 (your boss!!). I assure you, you’ll not only be pissed but you’ll also long for revenge. Pain and suffering does strange things to the mind.

Daniel Craig, hmmm, same old story. Hard-faced acting, no gadget, no Martini but this time I liked him. Maybe it was the storyline, the fact that he almost died after being shot by Moneypenny at the beginning of the movie, his being out of shape and unfit for duty but still fighting and struggling to prove he still 'gat' it. All these little elements came together to make him seem humane and I finally appreciated a James Bond without ‘exploding pens’ as the new and younger Q put it.

There was no prominent bond girl; I would have loved to see a sex goddess because Moneypenny didn’t do it for me.

The movie was driven by the pure acting skills of each actor, all of whom pulled their weight. There weren't any moments when you found yourself distracted from the movie, it was engaging from beginning to end. Although it ran a little long and all the ladies who have portrayed Moneypenny have been white, I didn't have much to complain about the movie, and that's saying a lot considering I watched it at 10pm and I didn't sleep a wink for the whole movie.

Kudos to the bond franchise as Skyfall marked the 23rd movie in bond history. It currently holds 92% on the rotten tomatoes movie site and that says a lot - those guys are stingy with their praise.

To end my ramblings, Skyfall is fantastic, doesn't call up the memorable elements of the old bond classics but it has an interesting storyline. I eagerly await Daniel Craig’s transformation into a sexy beast that I can swoon over but till then I will soak up every bond movie Pierce Brosnan ever starred in, that should keep me going till another bond is signed to replace Craig.

I Beg To Apply

I beg to apply.

That was the opening line of my first series of application letters I sent out upon leaving school in 2005. Thinking back now, I shouldn’t have begged.

It’s upsetting the way employers treat their staff. Everything said or done is with the tone of condescension. Just because I begged to apply.

You may say I’m being ungrateful. These were the people who gave you a chance to shine, grow and strut your stuff, ‘rolling my eyes in disdain’. They may have done all that but it doesn’t mean I should forever be reminded of it or play the benevolent slave – just because …

I’m upset and tired.

Tired of being made to look like a fool. I am intelligent; I might not have graduated with a First Class like all the pompous private university snubs they treat like descendants from heaven and are handled with kid gloves; but I know stuff. I won’t bore you with the woes surrounding my descent to a second class cos everyone has a story, but I digress.

Just because I chose to ‘beg’ to apply doesn’t mean I must remain in a subservient state forever? Or does it?

The average employer derives some level of joy from talking down at you, making you feel less than significant, or just downright humiliating before your peers. You can’t really hold it against them cos as my mum says ‘Who begged you to apply? If you can’t take it, quit.’

It’s easier said than done. Trust me, I speak from experience. Have you ever been so mad that you have walked to your desk, typed out your resignation letter and just before you print it, the blinding rage stops and reason kicks in. the voice of reason kicks in and begins to reel out to you the consequences of your rash action. Questions like

- How would you fuel your car?
- How long can you survive on your savings?
- What would your family say?
- What would you do till you found another job?
- What if this is it and you never find another job?

The list is endless. But the fear gets you in the end.

I have never been livid with such blinding rage nor gotten to the point described above, but I have friends and colleagues who have. One friend actually defied the voice of reason and went on to resign. Her outcome is another story.

I am upset. Upset that I am more afraid of the consequences of my decision to stay, than the long term outcome of the bitterness and anger that festers in my heart – my blood pressure mounts daily yet I bite down hard and swallow.

Why am I such a coward?

The truth is, there are no perfect jobs, bosses or colleagues; whatever you are running from, might just be waiting for you at the next job you take up. It might even be worse, you just never know. (Voice of reason)

But when it comes to office working conditions, ‘May The Odds Ever Be In Your Favor’ (I borrow from Hunger Games).

Looking back, I wish I didn’t beg to apply. Who knows if I had boldly applied I wouldn’t be ranting right now.

If I beg to resign would they beg me to stay?

I wonder?

PRETEND MUCH?

Change: a word loosely used. I’ve known my share of manipulators and sweet tongues and observed that they can hardly make any sentence without featuring “change” in their vocabulary.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all up for change but what riles me the most is when it’s used in the pursuit of selfish motives and personal agenda.



I saw a display image once on a blackberry phone (image above) and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. The irony is as funny as that picture was, it only spoke the truth. How many times have we unconsciously tried to manipulate, or the most acceptable term, change someone to suit the idea of who they are supposed to be in our heads?

“She’s too short” so talk her in to wearing heels even though she’s uncomfortable with it; or you are short and you stop her wearing heels just because you are insecure about your height. Like seriously? Where do we draw the line in trying to remake our families, friends or significant other into that ‘perfect’ person that lives in our heads?

In the past I have been a victim of ‘remodeling’ and trust me, it wasn’t a sweet deal.

It would be so much easier if people accepted each other. If you can’t do that, just walk away. If no one forced you to stay, why should it be a do or die affair? If you make the deliberate choice to stay, accept and love these people in your life, pray for them. If you can’t, let them go.

When we tweak and adjust people in our lives, we often make them unrecognizable and sometimes downright boring. The result of this mutation becomes predictable – we inevitably complain, nag and sometimes, like the picture above, abandon them because they have changed too much.

But change doesn’t really happen where we think it does. The thing about making people change on the outwards is that they are still the same people inside. They may look like they changed but an unchanged heart, spirit or mindset, is just like a wolf pretending to be a sheep. One day, the real nature will always surface.

The right and lasting kind of change is that which comes from within; a conscious and deliberate decision to alter something for the greater good. People are often so fixated on the external which has thus created a large pool of pretenders playing roles for a willing audience.

Sooner or later, people get tired of acting and then the comparison, nagging and complaints starts. The circle begins.

Back in University, a friend of mine (a Christian) was dating a Muslim. We all told him it was doomed from the start, but love, who people say is blind, clouded his better judgment. It turned out the lady was the stronger of them both cos by the end of the session my dear friend became a Muslim. In his words, she had chewed his head off until he caved, for the sake of peace and love. Love, the alter upon which many a resolve and numerous ethics have been slaughtered and sacrificed.

They dated all through school, to our amazement cos we all thought he would get tired of the charades and call it quits. For 6 years + he was a practicing Muslim to the sorrow of his parents but we all learned to live with it. That was why it came as a shock 2 years ago when he hugged me at the Experience music concert all decked in his Muslim cap and goatee - he was never allowed to hug me after his conversion. It turned out that dearest Fatimoh, (that was her name) dumped him a few years after school; her reason being he was not from a Muslim family and her parents wouldn’t sanction the marriage. Major bummer right? Now poor Jide is a religious mess – indecisive of which religious path to tread.

He’s strayed too far off course that he now feels stupid turning back to God and Christianity. I feel sorry for him, really I do, but all the wasted ‘love’ and compromise and ‘change’ of over 6years could easily have been avoided.

I can think of a number of experiences shared with me by friends and colleagues and I’m sure you can too, but what a joy and relief it would be if we all could just learn not to meddle. It’s sad though that a lot of us tend to throw out our brains and lose our identities for acceptance or love. How much easier life would be if we all could first accept ourselves because in that singular act lies the greatest acceptance of all.