My Relationship Is Secret So It Doesn’t Exist

People enter into relationships of various kinds for a number of reasons. To strengthen a bond, for security, for business, to feel better et al. relationships are forged for the benefit of getting something in return.

Cascade that to what is supposed to exist between a man and woman and then you have an entirely different mix. The expectations expand by the day as well as the fundamentals. So it is a wonder that a relationship between two people who supposedly love each other is kept secret.

I have a number of theories as to why this is so

1. They are both just kidding themselves about the ‘relationship’
2. They each or one of them is not committed to the relationship and is fronting and paying lip service to the entire shenanigan
3. It’s just sex and they are confusing sex with being in a serious relationship

But seriously, how insecure do you have to be to date a guy you can’t confidently announce to your friends and family ‘that’s my man’?

In this case, the lady in question cannot be allowed that luxury as she is not sure how many of such similar relationships the guy is involved in as it was recently discovered that he had (or is having) relations with someone she calls a friend.

What to advise?

- Pack up and leave?
- Fight for what you want?
- Quit while you’re ahead but leave in a blaze of glory?

Options are to either stay, make the best of the already deteriorating situation or leave. I’m a die harder and I’m told I like pain. So I would go for wringing out every possible opportunity out of the mess before goodbyes are said. Well that’s me and we are not all built for pain.

In my opinion, the existence of a relationship is validated by the number of people eho know about it. So to you all who are deluding yourselves that you are in a relationship but its secret, your just booty call dear cos when it comes right down to it, you have not right to lay claim on your partner or God forbid you find out about a publicly acclaimed and known significant other, no one can fight your cause or speak for you cos you were just plain stupid.

I had a friend who told his girl ‘Don’t bother yourself about my relationships with other girls, focus on what we have and let’s build this’. Ha! Hilarious, right?

A word to the wise: Clarify. Be sure of what you’re doing cos there ain’t going to be enough shoulders to console you when the inevitable happens.

Three Keys to (Much) Better Decisions - Tony Schwartz - Harvard Business Review

Three Keys to (Much) Better Decisions - Tony Schwartz - Harvard Business Review

Stumbled on the post/link above and found myself nodding almost throughout the article. You should give it a read, totally worth it.

We are saddled with the responsibility of decision making every minute of the day. What to wear, what to say, how to say it, choice of words, use of make-up, choice of hairstyles, when to start a task, when to kiss ass, when to play the game of office politics and to what degree, when to throw in the towel in a relationship or at work.

The elements that lead to the decision itself is a enough to give you a headache or a heart attack depending on the pressures that abound at the moment the decision has to be made.

Take the formally leisurely act of shopping. It has become an unending episode of decision making. I go to the shop to buy a box of cereal, and i get burgled down with having to make a choice between the over 15 Kellogg's products and every other cereal manufacturer.

This happened to me just last week, I went shopping for a cereal high in fibre and i was stuck because right before was Sultana Bran, All Bran, Bran Flakes and 2 other brands i can't recall. All the boxes said they were high in fibre so i was spoiled for choice.

In my personal life I have often shied away from making decisions and tried to move the responsibility to a third party so when it turns out to have been a bad decision, I can think to myself and say "I didn't do that or it wasn't my fault". Not mature, I know and trust me not effective either.

I also have come to observe that I make the worse decisions when I am upset or hormonally imbalanced. And annoyingly, I can't take back those actions/decisions once they have been done.

Tony is right, when we calm down, breathe and think through our decisions we tend to have less actions to regret. Its easier said than done, I know that more than anyone, but it would make things a whole lot easier don't you think.

The End Of It All

I think about death sometimes. The finality of it; it’s the end of life as you know it, no more opportunities to re-right a wrong or show love to someone neglected or forgive a wrong or just have a simple conversation.

When I think about how casually we say ‘see you tomorrow’ or ‘goodnight’, I wonder how sure we all are that we will indeed see each other tomorrow; if tomorrow indeed ever comes.

I know its morbid thinking like this but I didn’t appreciate the words see you later or tomorrow until November last year, 2011. I lost my brother in November 2011, 11-11-11 has a new meaning to me cos that was the day I walked into the hospital and saw his cold lifeless body on the hospital bed with tubes sticking out of his body. I still see him when I close my eyes sometimes. He was 27 years old. The image above were his farewell message to a friend some days before he was hospitalized.

I guess for me it was a wake-up call for me cos I am always busy – with school work and office work. I hardly have time for anything else. You guessed, I’m single and I have a demanding job that requires me to be everything to everyone.

When he was in the hospital, I was shuttling work and preparing for my exams. I was there but wasn’t really there. I guess that’s what gets me more, the fact that I took for granted that he was recovering and would soon be discharged that I went on with life as usual, juggled things around to accommodate visits to the hospital. Boy was I wrong.

Had I known that his getting better was a preamble to death, then I would have made time – postponed my exams, taken a leave of absence from work, camped at the hospital, spent every time I had talking to him, laughing with him and making him happy during the 2weeks we had him.


Had I known never solved anything I know but it’s a hard feeling to shake. I still cry every time I pass by the hospital or remember one of his jokes but they are not all sad tears because I know he was a good kid, with a big heart who was loved by many.

The point of this tirade is this

- Live life to the fullest
- Don’t take the people in your life for granted
- Love with all your heart
- Remember that every day is a gift.

Death might be the end for you here but you need to live a life worth remembering.